


If I Could Be More

by Jadders92



Series: If I Could Be More [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Addiction, Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, Gen, Love, Music, lonely, unknown - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 14:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8289598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadders92/pseuds/Jadders92
Summary: You've just graduated the academy, you have a dark past and Phil Coulson is the only one who thinks you're worth every chance.If you would like to contact me, the way to do so is through this email: jadders92@hotmail.com





	1. Graduate

If there was a word to say how excited you were you didn't know it. You had graduated the academy at long last in the summer just gone and you could not wait to get some field experience under your belt. The best part? You were one of just three in training specialists that had been hand picked by the academy board to head straight for level three and be integrated into various teams immediately. You, the extraction specialist and field operative and two scientists by the name of Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons. They seemed close and you hoped they'd stick together in their careers. 

The three of you were called to a meeting with Nick Fury and his two most senior agents, Deputy Director Maria Hill who you knew from graduation and Agent Phil Coulson. You didn't know much about the man, other than he was a legend within SHIELD, a man you didn't want to catch on a bad day, he was a handler mostly, but you'd heard about his field experience to know that he was an all out badass. According to the newly trained agents, there was a strong case for the man actually being a robot Fury had engineered himself. Though you doubted very much that was the case, maybe he had just become hardened, but an actual robot seemed a bit farfetched. 

You listened to Fitz and Simmons talk about a new project they were working on and wondered briefly if you should have told them to keep things quiet in case someone over heard them. You had finished basic training that morning with Agent May and your muscles had already begun to ache and bruises had begun to form. Silence fell over the three of you though you hadn't really spoken, just stood watching the other two talk; Fury turned the corner with Hill and Coulson on his heels. They looked quite the trio and you believed whole heartedly at that moment, that if they really wanted to they could withstand any enemy attack that ever came their way. Fury looked his calming sort of angry, Hill her authoritative self and Coulson looked as if the only thing he was capable of was thinking deeply. They entered into Fury’s office and for a few minutes the leftover silence coated the reception area, none of you dared speak just yet.

‘Agent Simmons.’ Hill called. You saw her give both yourself and Fitz a worried look before entering the office. She was in the office for a full two hours before she reappeared looking notably calmer than when she went in.

‘They just ask you questions.’ She told you and Fitz. ‘It's just like a test, I think. They just want to know about you and what you plan to do with your life at SHIELD. Like the kind of projects you're planning on taking up, I told them about my formula for the metabolism drug, the one that increases basic human function by fifteen percent, Fury was more interested in that one-‘

‘Agent Fitz.’ A male voice called, you presumed that was Agent Coulson. Fitz had the same worried look on his face that Simmons had had, but you had a feeling your meeting would require worry. They were scientists, you were a field operative and extraction specialist, the kind of projects you wanted to get involved in were a little more physical than anything in a lab. Again Fitz was in there for a full two hours before he emerged still looking a little pale, but it seemed his experience was much the same, he had told them about some projects he was looking to pick up and several new designs for some of the aircrafts SHIELD had at its disposal.

‘I think Hill was quite interested in looking at some of the new engine prototypes I've been building.’ He said excitedly. They both looked to you in anticipation, apparently they knew your meeting wouldn't be the same as well. 

‘Agent Hart.’ Fury’s voice echoed through the door. Without missing a beat you stepped into the room, Fury had taken his long coat off and was gazing out of the tall windows. Hill had already taken her jacket off as well and was sitting on one of the cream sofas making small notes. Coulson, however was much closer to the door than you had anticipated, he was standing right beside you and reached to close the door behind you. The closeness of him didn't seem to bother you as much as you thought it would, his bright blue eyes pierced yours and you suddenly felt that fear strike through your spine, the one everyone always talked about that could get you to do just about anything.

He began rolling his sleeves up to reveal his unusually toned forearms and it was just about the only proof you had that he wasn't a robot like so many people claimed. ‘Have a seat Agent.’ He smiled at you kindly and the fear you had began trickling away. You felt slightly rigid and sat very still on the other sofa that Hill hadn't occupied, but it seemed it was the one Coulson had been sitting on and he managed to sit on the other side of it as far from you as he could get. You didn't need to glance to know he was staring at you, Hill and Fury looked much more tired than he did and it disturbed you somewhat. 

‘Agent Hart,’ Hill started as she opened up a strangely thick file. ‘I presume you don't know the real nature of this meeting?’ You just stared at her blankly. ‘We just want to talk to you about the possible options ahead of you. This is your file and we want to work with you to see where we can put your particular skill set to most use. Does this make sense to you?’ You nodded and began to feel very uncomfortable knowing that Agent Coulson was still staring at you. ‘We’ll start with your first year at the academy.’

It was the first time you felt the release of tension as Coulson reached for another file in front of you on the glass table, he opened it and began reading to himself. 

‘As we understand it, you were recruited eleven years ago at the age of ten after robbing an Italian restaurant close to the orphanage where you grew up. Tell us about that.’ Hill watched for your answer carefully. You suddenly felt everyone's eyes turn to you and it made you incredibly tense, you felt your body go rigid with tension, you just hoped it didn't show.

‘Not much to tell.’ You desperately wanted the meeting to be over as soon as you heard your own voice. ‘I went in through the back and found a stack of pizza boxes with freshly made pizza in them, I took them and snuck out the back again and ran into some pretty angry looking SHIELD agents. They decided to recruit me instead of calling the police.’

Fury turned for the first time during the meeting to watch you. ‘Why?’ He asked. You blinked, not quite understanding the question. 

‘Sir?’ 

‘Why did you steal from the restaurant?’ He clarified. ‘There must've been a reason, ten year old kids don't just steal for the hell of it. Not a single person in that tiny kitchen saw you, you did a damn good job and if it wasn't for the fact that you stole the wrong pizza, you would never have been caught... So, why?’

You remembered the day vividly, one of the kids at the orphanage was getting adopted the next day and he was going into a family of health nuts, the last thing he wanted to do was try pizza for the first time, you decided to make his wish come true.

‘One of the kids wanted to try pizza, he'd never had it before.’ You didn't fancy saying much else on the subject, but it seemed Fury had other plans in mind.

‘I think we should move onto your first day at the academy.’ Coulson interrupted Fury’s thoughts, it seemed he could sense your displeasure at the subject and empathised with you. ‘You were given a chance to put your skills to good use, how did that make you feel?’ He asked and those crystal blue eyes pierced yours once again, you couldn't maintain any eye contact with the man so looked away immediately.

You remembered that day vividly as well, you loved the academy immediately, it's superior power to any other school you had been in and it's amazing potential to make you into the person you wanted to be. The people buzzing around the place building friendships, machines and holding new lives in their hands, it was the most incredible thing you'd ever seen.

‘I'm afraid I don't remember much about that day sir, I appreciated the opportunity to make good on a second chance and that was it.’ There was a fraction of a shared look between the three people watching you.

‘We don't tolerate liars within our ranks Agent Hart.’ Fury cut in, before anyone else got the chance. ‘You felt overwhelmed by the academy?’ You knew he was good at reading people, but you had no idea he was that quick. Agent Coulson had leaned forward in his seat to get a better look at you and it put you so on edge you thought you might fall. 

‘I enjoyed the space it had, it was impressive.’ You said, now seeing small flashes of anger flicker over Fury’s face, you could feel the tension begin to tie knots in your muscles and your body ache with the stiffness.

‘Agent Hart, we’re not interested in your private recollection of the building.’ Hill said softly. ‘We just want to know how you felt about the chance you were given. You appreciated it, but did you understand what was being asked of you at ten years old?’

‘No, I was ten.’ You said, the tension struggling to break free in your voice. 

There was the flicker again, the anger building in Fury.

‘Let’s take a break.’ Coulson didn't take his eyes off of you. ‘You've been hanging around in that reception for four hours already and we’re not exactly as sharp as we were a few hours ago. How about we head down to get a coffee and Director Fury and Agent Hill can reassess the agenda?’

You had no desire in the world to head down for coffee with Coulson, but something told you it was sorely needed. You nodded. 

‘Okay, wait outside please.’ Coulson said standing up. You stood with a mechanical feeling, like you were simply operating on the tension you had built up over that afternoon. You stood outside and saw Fitz and Simmons look at you confused.

‘That was quick.’ Fitz noted. ‘What did they ask you?’ 

‘Same as you.’ You lied. Coulson came out behind you, still adjusting his jacket.

‘Fitzsimmons, why don't we find you a project.’ Coulson adjusted his tie and led the three of you through SHIELD and down to the labs, he found an empty lab and told them they had free reign for the rest of the day. ‘Make a report and hand it in with the the others, we’ll get you your assignments soon.’ Coulson said, almost kindly to them. You noticed that anytime Coulson entered a room, the whole place would turn and stare at him, like they were expecting something amazing to happen.

He turned to you and led you to the main cafeteria, you sat at a table out of the way and let Coulson sit opposite you. The tension had begun to rise again, you tried desperately to avoid eye contact with him.

‘You need to relax.’ Coulson said. ‘You don't have to be on guard all the time. I imagine you must be exhausted, your medical says sleep isn't something that comes easy to you. You want to talk about it?’ It seemed such an odd thing for someone you barely knew to ask. ‘I take that as a no then.’ Coulson sipped his coffee and leaned back in his chair watching you. ‘The purpose of the meeting is to establish a square one, a point you can always return to if you need to. Think of it as us trying to give you something to hold onto, the meeting isn't to pry into your private life, but to make you realise that while you have one, you should treasure it.’ He sipped his coffee again. ‘However, having read your file already, I know you didn't have many friends at the academy, a few people you could call close maybe, but no one to support you through your growth. I don't mean your growth as an agent, but as a human being. It's very important that you understand what it is we fight for. I can't tell you what it is, it's something we all figure out eventually, but it's useful to us to know that you will eventually come to that conclusion on your own. Does that make sense?’

You nodded. You felt slightly less tense and took a tentative sip of your coffee, before returning to your rigid position.

‘Seriously, you need to relax. You'll do yourself an injury.’ You gave a small attempt at a smile, but you knew he was looking for more. ‘I can see that today is not the day to establish square one. Maybe take it one step at a time, your sleep. I'll take you to see Dr James, she'll give you something to help, I want you to know what a good nights sleep feels like and then we’ll take a look at square one.’

‘My sleep is fine.’ You found yourself saying. You didn't quite know why you said it, you took another sip of your coffee and thought about all the times you woke up sweating and terrified, not quite knowing how you got onto the floor or outside. It had gotten better in recent times, but you were far from okay.

‘So those nightmares don't bother you?’ Coulson tested. You just looked at him, you'd given him too much to go on in that simple sentence. ‘That feeling you get when you wake up entirely alone, doesn't bother you? Or even when you try to pass as a functioning human in the mornings and make up the excuse that you're hungover or a little under the weather, doesn't bother you? Because if the answer is no, then I'd be worried for your mental health. If the answer is yes… I'm just trying to help, I figure you've only had so much of that.’

You thought for a moment, you wanted to be the best SHIELD agent you could be and the best of the best was sitting across from you telling you he wanted to help you do that, why were you denying that? ‘Okay.’ You finally said and finished your coffee.

‘Dr James is a good woman, she likes to help people like us and I'm sure she’ll even give you a well looked after room to sleep in if you feel it will help.’ You looked at him for the first time throughout the conversation and thought you saw the flicker of something that made him look into his own cup before looking back to you and finishing his coffee. ‘Let's go.’ 

You followed Coulson to the medical wing and watched as he spoke quietly to one of the nurses. She then sorted through some files, handed one to Coulson before she scurried away presumably to find Dr James, Coulson guided you to an empty room and gestured for you to sit on the bed and wait as he threw the file just next to you. He wandered around the room curiously and took note of everything in it. Dr James finally arrived and she was nothing like you thought she'd be, she was tall, blonde and had outrageously long legs. Though she dressed immaculately, in a burgundy dress that came down to her knees, she was gorgeous and you wished you could look like her.

‘Phil!’ She exclaimed and greeted Coulson like an old friend. He kissed her on each cheek as they embraced, before she pulled back to get a better look at him. ‘What are you here for this time then? It's not the leg again is it?’ She had a crisp English accent and a stunning smile that would make any man blush, any man it seemed except for Agent Coulson.

‘Nothing for me, but Agent Hart here has had some trouble sleeping and we were wondering if you had anything to help?’ It was the first time you had seen Agent Coulson smile. It was as if Dr James had only just noticed you were in the room because she had slightly wider eyes when she saw you sitting with the same rigidity you'd had back in Fury’s office. She soon adjusted and brought a chair closer to you, picking up the file.

‘Right, okay then Agent Hart, let's see what we can do for you.’ She took out her glasses and began flicking through the file, a small frown appeared as she took extra care on some pages. ‘I see, any problems with sleep walking?’ She looked up at you and you weren't quite sure how to answer. ‘It's just so I know what strength the sedative should be.’ She clarified.

‘Yes.’ You answered. She gave you a quizzical look before turning to Coulson.

‘Phil, be a dear and wait outside. We won't be too much longer.’ You'd never heard anyone address Coulson like that and presumed it wasn't the normal way in which one would address senior agents, but it made Coulson smile and do as he was told. You watched him leave and suddenly felt very vulnerable. ‘I've known Agent Coulson a long time. I'm the only doctor he’ll go to for anything, not ideal, but if it means he's comfortable and won't offer any resistance to treatment then it's fine by me. Phil’s never brought anyone to see me specifically before, that tells me a few things. Either he's taken a particular fondness to you and has your best interests at heart, or he's worried about your mental state. Seeing you sit with that posture and the one word answer, makes me think it might be both… I've heard lots of things about you and the two other Agents that were picked out of the academy, you remind me a lot of where Phil started. Always on guard, never willing to back down and without a clue about how to make friends. You must be lonely.’ Dr James added as she went back to reading, you thought on what she said and if it was true you reminded her of Coulson, you had serious worries about what went through his head on a daily basis.

Dr James was gentle for the most part and asked you questions about your nightmares, you gave the minimal answers and prayed it would be over soon. ‘Okay, let's take some blood and see where that gets us.’ She said. ‘I think it's time we invited Agent Coulson back into the room, just for a bit of moral support.’ You gave her a frown, but didn't argue.

She opened the door and Coulson wandered back into the room, taking a seat at the far edge of the room. Dr James asked you to remove your jacket and roll up your sleeve which you did, revealing a large set of scars that almost looked as if you'd been self harming, but the truth was they were all from accidents you'd had while you were sleep walking. Dr James inspected the scars, one of which was still a wound.

‘How did this happen?’ She asked, Coulson seemed to take a particular interest in the most recent one.

‘Sleep walking accidents.’ You mumbled.

‘Do you have any more?’ 

‘A few.’ You weren't exactly comfortable with talking about your accidents.

‘Are they all the same?’

‘Pretty much.’ You gave a swift glance to Coulson who was frowning heavily.

‘Okay.’ Dr James seemed satisfied with your answer and began drawing blood. You hated people touching you, it was just a thing you hated. ‘I'm going to schedule you in to meet with me for some one on one sessions. Just so we can keep an eye on your mental health as well.’ She turned to Coulson. ‘I was thinking I have a free hour after I've seen you this week, any chance you could make sure Agent Hart finds her way to my office.’ Coulson nodded.

‘I'm fine.’ You said.

‘With all due respect,’ Dr James said, removing the needle and putting the blood sample somewhere safe. ‘Your scars suggest otherwise. Don't worry I won't pry too much, we’ll start small and see if we need to schedule in any more sessions afterwards, I promise to make it as painless as possible and the sessions are entirely confidential. Not even Fury gets to know what's said in those meetings.’ 

Dr James finished up and you cooperated with patience, knowing that if you did, it would be over quicker. ‘If you would wait outside Agent Hart, I'd like a word with Agent Coulson.’ You jumped down from the bed and strode towards the door, putting your jacket back on. You sat in a chair just outside the room and watched the medical wing operate in front of you, soon though it felt like you were intruding and you stood wandering over to the other side of the reception, staring out of the window and thinking on what these sessions would be like.

The sun had begun setting as you felt someone approach you, you turned to see Coulson giving you a small smile. He stood with you and gave you no pressure to leave just yet, the city was beautiful at this time of day, the sun streaking across the glass windows of the buildings opposite and the sky turning from blue to purple to pink to orange. 

‘Come on.’ Coulson finally said and handed you a small bottle of sleeping pills. ‘Take these tonight and we’ll see if that does any good in the morning.’ You put them in your pocket and walked with Coulson to the lift. ‘Truth is, we know your history, we know you have nightmares, we know you prefer keeping to yourself and you aren't comfortable with people touching you even for medical reasons. We just want you to know that it's okay, we want to help because we know it's the only way you'll succeed in the field. If you're somewhat happy here, you have something to keep you going out there.’ 

You just nodded as you entered the lift.

‘I called Fury and he's agreed that I will take your meeting at a time that is more convenient for everyone.’ Coulson stood on the other side of the lift with his hands in his pockets and gave you a few glances here and there. ‘It'll just be me and you in my office and all we’ll do is talk.’

‘I don't particularly want to talk about my past sir.’ You said, suddenly feeling the ache set in your body.

‘Okay, well we can talk about anything you want.’ He had a slightly more cheery tone. ‘What do you like?’

‘Sir?’

‘TV? Movies?’ He offered. ‘You play a lot of instruments, you must like music?’

Your discomfort had eased somewhat, but you still weren't quite sure of what the purpose of talking about music was. ‘Yeah, I do.’ There was a pause where you thought maybe he was expecting you to expand on that, but you couldn't think of anything to say, for the first time in your life you had been caught off guard and wasn't in the way you expected.

‘Well, let's talk about that.’ You both stepped out of the lift into the garage and you suddenly realised that you had no car, you walked into work every day because driving made you feel mechanical. ‘Tomorrow morning, come and see me and we’ll talk about how your night went, we’ll adjust if need be and then I'll take you to see Dr James at three. Just relax, Dr James is the best doctor we have, she knows medicine and psychology inside out, the full package.’ You didn't mean to, but you rolled your eyes. You knew Coulson caught it, but he didn't say anything, just gave you a frown. ‘Do you need a ride home?’ He asked.

‘I'm fine walking sir.’ You shook your head. You waited for him to nod and give you permission to leave, it didn't come for what felt like the longest time and when it did you were out of there and into the warm summer air. You loved the summer, you loved the warmth and always took your time walking to and from work, just so you could feel the rays on your skin. You had recently moved into a building close to work and enjoyed the space it had, you particularly enjoyed the red corvette that sat in the garage below and often wondered who it belonged to. You assumed some successful young business man with a different woman every night, but you didn't care what the owner was like, the car was beautiful. You felt tiredness begin to take you as the night air became colder, you never normally took the lift up to your fifth floor apartment, instead choosing to take the stairs two at a time. 

Your apartment was simple, open plan, it had the bare minimum and you preferred it that way, no pictures, few personal touches and space to breathe. You had a small balcony just outside the living area that occasionally you sat on watching the city below. It was one of those nights that you decided to pour some vodka and think on the day ahead. You took the bottle from your jacket and read the instructions, it specifically said not to take with alcohol, but then that's what every box said. You took the sedatives and finished your vodka before locking up your apartment with care and double checking it twice over. The sedative had begun to kick in and you were barely under the sheets before sleep took a hold of you.


	2. Shooting Practice

It was the strangest feeling, you woke with a smile on your face. It was quite possibly the best nights sleep you'd had in a long time. You didn't feel the familiar ache in your muscles, instead you felt alert and ready to jump into action. You looked over at your clock and it was exactly six o'clock, you stood up and did a quick sweep of your apartment. For whatever reason you decided to drink your coffee in the fresh morning air. The city was still waking up and you were vaguely aware of your neighbour on their balcony doing the same thing, before disappearing into their own home. 

There was a cool breeze that was a little harsh on your exposed skin on your arms and legs and a little on your chest, so you went back inside and got ready for the day ahead. You walked into work and thought on the night you'd had, there were no nightmares about the orphanage and no violent dreams, just glorious darkness. It felt safe and wrapped you in a warm blanket of comfort. You wished every night could be that good, but something nagged at the back of your mind, something you thought you'd read on the packet before taking them. You tried to remember what it was you'd seen, but it wouldn't come to you.

You headed straight for Coulson’s office for your meeting, feeling notably happier about it than you had done the day before. You couldn't see a receptionist anywhere and were unsure if you should knock on the door, but before you could make a decision Coulson came around the corner with a file in one hand and his phone pressed to his cheek with the other. He suddenly saw you standing in front of him and he paused his conversation for a split second before giving you a slight nod and gesturing that he would be with you a couple of minutes. He entered his office and you waited for a full twenty minutes before he came back to find you standing in the same place you had been when he left you.

‘I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Come in.’ He said, taking his suit jacket off and allowing you to enter his spacious office. It wasn't as big as Fury’s, but you could still breathe in it. There were two dark sofas on one side with a small coffee table in the middle and he gestured for you to take a seat on one of them while he took the other. He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up and closed a few files that were above your clearance level. You suddenly felt your body slip into that rigidity that you always seemed to have when you were uncomfortable. ‘So, how was your night?’ He asked with an easy smile.

‘Good.’ You said, plain and simple. He stared at you for the longest time, you noted that his blue eyes were extraordinarily tired and it looked as if his night was significantly worse than your own, but he still looked casual and relaxed, like he had no where better to be than talking to you at that moment in time. It made you feel a little satisfied that he wasn't going to suddenly disappear at any given moment, but the very same thought made you terrified that you would never leave his office. It was as if he could see your every thought about his appearance.

‘Well, mine wasn't the best.’ He said, this took you by surprise. Most people, you thought, revealed too much about themselves in an effort to make friends, but this seemed slightly different. ‘We all have our troubles, I'm not the drone people think I am, but I like to be in control, it seems to keep people calm and if I can contribute to my work in that way then so be it… But you seem very uncomfortable?’

You weren't sure what to say, he was staring at you and you hated to think what he was seeing when he did.

‘I'll take your silence as a yes.’ Coulson smiled. ‘Coffee?’ He asked and stood up to make you both a cup, you just watched him make you one instead of waiting for your reply. After a short period of time your body felt more relaxed, he wasn't staring at you and you weren't the centre of attention; until of course he sat down and handed you the steaming mug. ‘Any nightmares?’

You shook your head.

‘Sleep walking?’ 

You shook your head.

‘Any dreams at all?’

You shook your head. You sipped your coffee and felt comfortable in the interrogation style questioning he was giving you, it was something you were used to.

‘I suppose that is a good night.’ He seemed a little amused. 

‘Can I ask a question?’ You said, startling him slightly. He nodded. ‘Was there something else in the sleeping pills?’

Coulson smiled and nodded. ‘A mild stimulant. It increased your dopamine levels while you were sleeping. Probably the reason you woke up a good mood. Dr James had hoped it would make you more receptive to our questions. I'd say it's definitely done something.’

You nodded in understanding, remembering the bottle stating that it had a stimulant in it.

‘I'm not going to lie to you.’ He continued. ‘I'm recording this meeting and with your permission I'd like to hand it over to Dr James. I could tell yesterday that you were very uncomfortable in her presence, she takes a little getting used to but I promise she is the best we have. If you don't want me to give it to her then you only have to say.’ 

You sipped your coffee and allowed him to continue speaking.

‘Okay, we’ll get to that later. Why don't we talk about music?’ Coulson took a gulp of his coffee. ‘You make music?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘What instruments do you play?’

‘It's in my file.’

‘I'd like to hear it from you.’

You paused. You knew this was coming, you would eventually have to be a grown up and talk to him.

‘Piano, guitar, violin, saxophone, cello, drums and bass.’ You reeled off the list of instruments that sat locked away in the spare room in your apartment. 

‘Where did you learn to play them all?’

‘Just something I picked up here and there.’ You shrugged taking another sip of coffee.

Coulson nodded satisfied with your answer. ‘What kind of music do you make? What genre appeals to you?’

‘No particular kind, just whatever comes to me first.’ You said thinking on those nights where you'd get in and pick up your guitar to play a classical melody on the edge of your bed. It was relaxing and you suddenly felt your body release, the tension had begun to disappear and you were grateful for it.

‘I think we’re getting somewhere now.’ He said, finishing his coffee. ‘What's the last thing you played that you enjoyed?’

You weren't sure how to answer, the last thing you remember playing was a piece of music you had composed on the piano.

‘My own piece on the piano.’ You thought about how your fingers slid over the keys. ‘It was smooth.’ It was just about the only description you had for the experience.

‘It made you feel good?’

‘Yes.’ You felt your mouth pull at a smile, before you stopped yourself to look up at the thoughtful expression on Coulson’s face.

‘Did you ever play music at the orphanage?’ 

‘No, it wasn't that kind of orphanage.’ You felt the bitter taste rise in your throat.

‘You hated it there?’ He asked, his voice softening.

‘It wasn't a pleasant place to be.’ You felt the tension start to creep back into your body.

‘Let's go back to your music then.’ He said thinking quickly. ‘What do you listen to? Personally I enjoy Marcus Foster, Florence and the Machine and anything from the eighties. You?’

‘I don't know, I like a lot of things.’ You said feeling the release again. ‘I guess Marcus Foster is cool.’

‘What about at the academy? Did you make music there?’ He asked.

‘Yes.’

‘Alone?’

‘Always.’ There was something in your answer that stung Coulson a little. ‘I just mean, I didn't have much in common with the students in my class.’

‘You didn't have many friends?’

‘You know I didn't.’ It was much more bitter than you had intended and again whipped at Coulson slightly. He thought for a moment. ‘Agent Coulson, what are we doing-?’

‘I hope you realise, I'm your friend.’ He interrupted. There was something in his expression that you couldn't quite grasp, but you had to assume, he didn't mean to say it quite so quickly. ‘I want you to realise that you have friends and that if anything bothers you, you're more than welcome to come and speak to me about it. I'll do my best to help you.’

You paused, feeling your heart pump a little faster. No one had ever spoken to you like that, no one had offered themselves as a friend quite the way Coulson did.

‘Why?’

‘Because… I know what it's like to feel lonely and exhausted constantly.’ He chuckled, though you didn't see the funny side. ‘I get it and I've seen it in other agents, but these agents tend to be much more experienced than yourself. I find it curious in someone so young, but I trust my instincts and they tell me that I need to do everything in my power to make you realise that loneliness sucks. You can't make a life out of it.’ You gave a half smile and it pleased him somewhat. ‘I get that it's comfortable, but that only tells me that we need to rectify it sooner. You need friends Agent Hart and you need ones that you can trust. It's a small circle granted, but if you have even just one person in this world that you trust then that's enough.’

It was true that trust was something that didn't come easy to you in the slightest, but maybe Coulson was onto something. You trusted his experience and he did nothing to make you think he was lying. 

‘Okay, enough talk.’ He said slapping his leg and bringing you back from your thoughts. ‘You want to go downstairs and shoot some hoops? I haven't had time to squeeze in a work out today and I know you would normally have basic training around this time. So how about it?’

‘Sure.’ You shrugged and finished your coffee. Coulson was a little taller than you and it made you think that shooting hoops would work to his advantage. You both changed and by the time you had gotten to the empty court, Coulson was already warming up, he had a grey SHIELD t shirt on with blue shorts and you could see his muscles working hard in his legs. He was very well built and you weren't quite sure why you were staring, but you pretended to tie your laces again as he ran around the court dribbling the ball before taking a shot. He did it three or four times before you decided you needed to get up. You still had bruises over your body and with you tight tank top it showed, but it didn't seem to bother Coulson in the slightest. You put your hair up and caught the ball when he threw it to you.

‘Let's see what you got Hart.’ He dared you. You weren't quite warmed up yet and a quarter of the court away from the basket, but you threw the ball anyway and it went straight in. Coulson picked up the ball and looked impressed. ‘Nice, okay, shooting might be a little too easy for you, how about a little one on one?’ 

‘Okay.’ You almost dreaded it, you really didn't want to get too close to him, but a part of you just wanted him off your case for a while. He threw you the ball and for a while you just dribbled it, back and forth, before feeling your legs warm enough to come in for shot. You went to turn into him, before quickly changing direction and going the other way to get a clear shot in. He gave you a look that said he wasn't quite sure what happened. 

He didn't say anything, just took the ball as you switched ends and you defended. You were no match physically, strength wasn't on your side, but you were quick, interception would be your game. Coulson came in for the attack and just as he was about to jump, you got there first and blocked the shot, taking the ball and going to the other side of the court.

‘You play a lot?’ He asked.

‘Not really.’ You dribbled the ball a little.

‘You sure?’

You ran straight towards him looping the ball around his body and shooting.

‘Pretty sure.’ You watched him give you a smirk before taking the ball and skipping backwards to start his attack. You could see something about his posture that meant he was thinking about shooting from distance. You got ready and darted forward, jumped as high as you could and knocked the ball off course. ‘We can stop any time you want sir.’ You had a playful side, though you'd call it more competitive. Coulson laughed a laugh you were sure very few people had ever heard.

‘Why you getting tired?’ He joked back. ‘Your file says you run marathons around other agents in terms of stamina.’ 

He was right. You were barely out of breath, but then you noticed that Agent Coulson was the same, his breathing was paced and calm. Apparently he had a large amount of stamina as well. You gave a somewhat intentional smile and continued to play basketball until you decided to let in the odd shot, you both grew tired and realised that you had been playing for well over an hour and it was getting close to the time you should have been going to see Dr James. 

You threw the ball from distance and Coulson had no chance at intercepting it. ‘Can you do this blind folded?’ He asked picking up the ball. You shook your head feeling warm and a little sweaty, Coulson had approached you and was now close to invading you personal bubble. ‘You'll start basic combat blind folded soon, it's good to get a little practice at it before hand. I used to make agents throw me the ball, just listening to where I was in the room, it was a good exercise in using your other senses.’ 

You looked up at Coulson and thought you caught another flicker of something before it was gone.

‘If you want to give it a go, just let me know.’ He said kindly, putting the ball back in his bag. ‘Anyway, work beckons… Have you thought about my first question? About giving a copy of our meeting to Dr James?’

‘Will I have to talk to her today if I say yes?’ You asked picking up your water bottle and taking a drink. 

‘Not today no.’ Coulson looked a little saddened. ‘I won't make you do that, but she will give me hell for saying so.’ His smile was back. ‘I'll send you your first assignment when I get back to the office and you can spend this afternoon researching it. I'll be at my desk all day so make sure you email if you need anything.’

‘Yes sir… Thanks.’ You gave him a half smile and left to get showered and dressed before heading up to your cubicle and starting work.

You were going to be one half of a two person drop off and extraction team, flying a plane over Rio de Janeiro in the dead of night and then assisting from a local jeep that would take you to the docks three days later. You would have your communicator on you at all times in case early extraction was needed, however you had no idea what it meant by assisting, what would happen after the docks and no clue what you were supposed to do in the three days the undercover agents would be working. You emailed your concerns to Coulson.

Agent Hart, 

You will be assisting Agent May in intelligence gathering in the local town, ensuring that back up doesn't arrive for the target. You will drive the boat to the SHIELD base just off the mainland and wait for a plane that will bring you back home.

By assisting, we expect you either to drive the car through the town, getting your team to the docks in one piece or operate the weapons system if need be, that decision will be left to Agent May. 

This is a level one mission, you shouldn't run into any trouble, if you need me I'll be on comms and you can always get in contact with me over the phone or via email. This is to show you the kind of missions you'll be going on later on down the line. Any other questions?

Coulson 

You had plenty of questions, but you didn't want to waste his time asking them. You left it there and decided to continuing working away on the mission specs.


	3. The Meeting

You continued to go over the mission plans for the next two weeks with May, she showed you what the local jeeps were like and you did a little work on the firing range with the weapons you had available to you. You hadn't seen much of Coulson, other than the occasional game of one on one basketball, he was getting better, especially if he was frustrated, you had begun to feel a little more confident in his presence and opened up a little more. You had only been to see Dr James once and it had been the most uncomfortable conversation you'd ever had, to the point where it was cut short and you left to go back to your cubicle to do some more work. Coulson and Dr James agreed that all meetings you had would be sent to Dr James so that she could assess and advise Coulson on areas to concentrate on. You preferred it that way, Coulson continued to make you feel comfortable and you felt like maybe, just maybe you could trust him.

A file dropped on your desk, you had your ear phones in and so didn't hear anyone approaching, but when you looked up, you saw Coulson dragging a chair towards you and you leaned back picking up the file with one hand and taking your ear phones out with the other. It was your psychological assessment, you read enough to recognise that's what it was and put it down.

‘I don't need to read this.’ You said and watched Coulson give a small chuckle, picked up your ear phones and put them in, getting comfortable in the chair. He wasn't going anywhere until that file was read, you had learnt about his stubbornness and no longer decided to fight it, instead you just sighed and read what Dr James had to say about your mental health. She attributed your nightmares, unsurprisingly, to the abuse suffered at a young age by your mother and the struggle there had been when you were taken away from her. The sleep walking and shyness attributed to the social neglect you'd inflicted upon yourself. Though she did say that improvements had been made where your sleeping was concerned, stating that you had been more alert and more responsive to questioning. 

You eventually finished the file and threw it down, Coulson had been watching you the entire time with a small smile playing in his features. He looked very tired and very relaxed, you almost enjoyed it. He took your ear phones off and put them back on your desk. ‘I liked that one.’ He said and you glanced at your phone to see what song he was referring to, you made a mental note to send him a copy. ‘You leave for Brazil in two days, so that means you've got two days to decide when you want to get this meeting over and done with… Tonight's good for me, you got plans?’ 

You shook your head, you knew that if you resisted any closer to your departure date it'd be the only thing you concentrated on.

Coulson picked up your file and tucked it under his arm as he led you through the almost empty headquarters, it was late on a Friday night and nearly everyone had left to start their weekend or were out on missions. You grabbed your bag and shut down your computer knowing you wouldn't return to the office before you left to go home.

‘Chinese?’ Coulson asked and you nodded in response. You weren't normally one for eating take out, but tonight you decided to offer no resistance to Agent Coulson and plugged your phone into the dock in his office as you had taken to doing whenever you had a meeting with him. You sat down on your usual sofa and got comfortable, Coulson did a little typing at his desk and soon sat down opposite you, rolling his sleeves up and loosening his tie. He had a small file that he opened in front of him and slid it towards you. ‘This is the list of points the meeting will cover and before you ask, yes, we have to cover them all. But I'm more than happy to go at your pace… So, take a look and tell me where you want to start.’

You leaned forward and spun the file around to see the long list of points you needed to talk about before the night was through. It covered everything from the days leading up to your mother giving you up to graduation. It was a lot of things to get through and that was just the first page. The next one covered your potential opportunities, including handling, the same job as Agent Coulson. You wondered about that one the most.

‘Looks like something’s caught you eye.’ Coulson said as something on his desk began buzzing. ‘Have a think about the order you want to go in and I'll be back in a moment.’ He left the office to grab the Chinese food and you stared down at the list that looked incredibly daunting. You made small notes next to some of the points, but ultimately if you could avoid talking at all then you would.

Coulson slid your box of chow mien across to you and you swapped the file for it. He glanced down at a few of the notes you made. He momentarily stopped what he was doing to give you a look. ‘You want to know about handling?’ He asked. You nodded as you chewed on your food. ‘Okay, well, what do you want to know?’

‘How does it relate to extraction and field operations?’ You asked, Coulson sat back and thought for a moment.

‘Well, you're there from start to finish.’ He said, mixing up his own food a little. ‘We’ll use Rio as an example, I've been working with Agent Barton for nearly a month on that operation, before that, it probably came up on my radar about a year ago, but you would only have heard about it, what two or three weeks ago? That's because we use field teams as a last resort. If it was up to me, we’d do all the work through diplomacy. But sometimes it's not enough and we have to put together teams to infiltrate and do the rest of the work, that's where you come in. We generally don't like sending teams in though.’ You gave him a frown in questioning. ‘Fury would tell you it's too expensive to send people abroad, not that he can't afford it, but we don't like it because it's not a normal thing for people to get involved in fire fights all the time and not as many agents are as resilient to it as you might think, it's a lot of recovery afterwards, lots of feedback reports, lots of positive discipline and a lot of sessions with doctors like Dr James. Most of my job is looking after recovering agents, recruiting potential assets and working on strategies for ground teams, it requires a lot of patience, something I have an abundance of… Something that interests you?’

You shook your head, you both knew you weren't nearly experienced enough to do anything like that just yet.

‘I've led a lot of teams.’ Coulson said, more thinking out loud than anything. ‘Made a lot of mistakes and there have been consequences of that.’ A flicker of pain flashed across his face before Coulson composed himself again. ‘I don't make nearly as many mistakes these days, don't worry. Taking a back seat was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but it means I get to improve SHIELD from the inside out, making it more tolerable and easier to deal with, but also stronger and filled with strong minded individuals like yourself.’

Coulson took a bite of chicken and looked at the list. ‘I noticed you left all the stuff about where you grew up until last, can I make a suggestion?’ He said, you nodded. ‘Let's break it up, we’ll keep talking about the things you want to talk about, but in between those topics will be the less enjoyable points?’

‘Okay.’ You shrugged. You really just wanted to get the meeting over and done with. You finished your chow mien and placed the empty box on the table.

‘Okay, how about we start with what you remember about your mother?’ He wasn't kidding around. ‘I'm not looking for memories, more how you felt towards her.’

You thought on it and in truth, you hated her, she hurt you in ways that no other person could ever hurt you. Physically and emotionally, the woman ensured that you would lead an unbearably lonely life, she made you distrust everyone you met, hate touching people, hate talking about your feelings and hate yourself for surviving her abuse. 

‘I hate her.’ You said it as if you were simply read from a phone book. You felt the weight of the phrase, as did Agent Coulson, but it was said with such blandness that if you didn't know the reasons why, you'd have a hard time believing it.

‘Hate is a strong word. Is it the right one?’ He asked. You nodded. ‘You're sure?’

‘She was a drunk and a drug addict.’ You felt yourself slipping up. ‘She was abusive and didn't care about anyone accept herself. I'm glad she gave me up, it was the only good decision she ever made in her pathetic life.’ 

Coulson looked at you, he almost couldn't believe what it was you were saying. You had a true hate for the woman, one he'd find it hard to ever understand unless you told him the truth.

‘You hated the orphanage.’

‘The orphanage was unpleasant. I hate my mother.’ You felt that tension return tenfold, it almost hurt.

‘Okay.’ Coulson finished his food and gave you a few moments to calm down. ‘Let's move onto something else-’

‘Do I have to talk about her again?’

Coulson gave you a blank look. ‘I have a few more questions, but we can take this in stages. There's no need to do it all now.’

‘Just get it over with.’

‘You sure?’ You nodded. ‘We still don't know what exactly it was that made her give you to the orphanage. As far as we can see-‘

‘I was seven and she was buying a brand of heroin from one of her boyfriends, but didn't believe its purity. She tried it out on me… It was every bit as pure as he said it was and before I knew it, I was waking up in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and a note telling me that she was sorry and that she had been forced to sign papers to agree to hand me over to the social workers. I never saw her again. Hate is not a strong enough word Agent Coulson. Do you have any other questions?’ 

Coulson just stared, mouth slightly open and nothing but sympathy in his eyes. ‘Do you want a drink?’ He finally said, you nodded, feeling your body begin to release the tension again. Coulson got up and poured two glasses of some whiskey he had lying around, he brought the bottle and settled down on the sofa again. He didn't look at you for the longest time, but instead he spoke staring straight into his glass.

‘The other questions I have, they don't matter anymore.’ He said. You didn't quite understand what he meant. ‘There's a strong possibility that you will end up being the worst decision I have ever made… That's what Fury will say if he finds out the truth. We don't tolerate substance abuse here of any kind, yours is a different case and one that we can sympathise with, maybe even make exceptions for, but it does raise the possibility that if you were ever to be exposed to something like that again, you might relapse. At that point protocol says I would have to hand in a resignation letter stating that as your SO I knew about your personal history and allowed you to continue working for SHIELD anyway. I love my job and I don't want to hand in a resignation letter, don't make me do that.’

‘Why would you do that for me?’ 

Coulson chuckled and sipped his drink. ‘I told you I was your friend. This is what friends do for each other… I don't see any reason that you should become addicted to anything of any kind, you have a clear hatred for your mother and what she did to you, I fully believe that you would do your utmost to become everything she wasn't. A good person, someone who protects the people she loves and is unselfish in every way… That's why you stole the pizza isn't it? You wanted him to have something good to remember about the orphanage?’ 

You nodded and finished your drink.

‘Okay.’ Coulson poured you another drink as well as himself. ‘SHIELD doesn't need to know anything more about your past,’ Coulson picked up the file and began to make notes. ‘You were physically abused and emotionally neglected by your mother and a social worker took you away from her. That's all that needs to be put in your file. Let's move on.’ You continued to talk with Agent Coulson well into the night, before deciding to call it. You'd both had too much to drink to walk or drive home and so took one of the automated cars to your apartment building. It was strange, because you remember Coulson walking you up to your door, but you don't remember him heading back downstairs at any point.

Your head throbbed when you woke and the last thing you wanted to do was get up and start doing things. Your phone buzzed and you squinted at the screen.

"Report has been sent. You're cleared to start going on missions."

It was from Coulson. You typed a quick reply.

"How are you functioning after last night?"

"What are you talking about? You only had four glasses, you're the biggest lightweight I've ever seen!"

You knew he was making fun, but you really weren't in the mood. You left your phone and turned over to go back to sleep. It was true you weren't a big drinker, but then you'd never really had anyone to drink with, so never got the practice in. The only time you ever had something was at the end of a tough day and even then it would only be one glass of vodka to relax you.

You spent the rest of the day dosing and when you found the energy, you played your guitar softly on your balcony and day dreamed about Rio. It wasn't a big mission and you'd only be involved in the tail ends of it anyway, but the excitement sat in the pit of your stomach.


	4. Rio

Finally you were packed and ready to go, it was just three days and most of it would be spent wandering around, pretending to be a tourist with Agent May. She had been teaching you how to land the plane and the basic controls when flying, just in case something happened, when Agent Coulson crept into view outside the quinjet, he gave a look and you both exited. The two other agents who were going on the mission were checking their parachutes and radios when Coulson arrived.

‘Agent Hart.’ He said in his authoritative tone, everyone stood and watched as Coulson took you to the edge of the hanger where the sun was looking at setting some time soon. ‘I hope you find this mission educational, it's the only one I've got going at the moment so getting hold of me directly will be much easier than on any other missions you'll have. I'd like you to check in as often as you can, I want to ensure the safety of the team above anything else. If it means the operation is a bust then so be it, but it's important to me that you get back safely.’ There was that flicker of something again, you didn't know what it was, but it made you curious. ‘Do you understand?’

‘Yes sir… Is this on top of the mandatory reports that will be handed in every night?’

‘Yes, I want you to call and check in that way whenever you get a chance.’ Coulson was being especially careful with you and you suspected it had something to do with what you had told him. ‘You'd better get going. Good luck.’ Coulson extended his hand to you, he knew you hated to be touched, but people were watching so you made an exception. You winced at the contact, but found it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, he was gentle in his contact and made sure to break the same time as you. 

You walked back to the jet and May gave you a quizzical look that you weren't sure what to make of, but she didn't say anything and you were off to Brazil. The trip over was made in silence and a few minutes before the two agents were going to be dropped Coulson came onto comms.

‘How's it going up there?’ He asked.

‘Just about to make the drop. Hart’s about to take the stick so I can head back and make sure it goes off without any complications.’ May nodded to you to keep it steady and moving in a straight line while she got up to head towards the back of the jet.

‘Okay Agent Hart, how do you feel? Confident?’ It wasn't the word you'd use, but you didn't have any other word to replace it.

‘Yes sir.’

‘Good.’

You flew over Rio and a few moments later May came back, she nodded to you and took the stick. ‘The drops been made, I'm dropping the jet off at the base, we’ll head towards the mainland at first light.’

‘Good. Check in when you get to the base.’ Coulson said as he went off comms.

The base was pretty much as expected, minimal and bland. May video called Coulson and you nodded to him as she gave him the run down and you started packing your things into the boat you were taking to the mainland. He seemed pleased and you were grateful that when you got to the safe house, you could get a few hours rest. The first day went well, you'd established a good relationship with some of the locals, but no real intelligence had been gathered, May had you talking to some of them and you took on your chatty excited tourist persona, something that surprised you how much you disliked. The two undercover agents checked in and gave as much information as they could about their part of the mission which you then sent over to Coulson for analysis.

May had told you to get some rest early that evening, you retired to your room and decided to make the call to Coulson to check in with him, like he'd asked you to.

‘Agent Hart.’ He said in a cheery tone. ‘How are things in Rio?’

‘Fine.’ You sighed. ‘Nothing of note, established contact with the locals and that's pretty much it. So I thought I'd just check in.’

You could hear the distinct sound of Coulson closing the door in his office and settling in his chair.

‘Good. How are you finding Agent May?’

‘Quiet… She doesn't talk as much as you do. I’m learning a lot from her.’

‘Are you saying you don't learn a lot from me?’ He joked. It made you smile a little.

‘No, I learn a lot from you too.’

There was a pause where you thought you could hear the sound of him swallowing, he probably had his feet up with a glass of whiskey in hand.

‘Well, I'm glad to hear that.’ There was something low in his voice, like something personal was happening. ‘Anything bothering you about the mission?’ He asked suddenly distracting you from what you'd just heard.

‘No sir, it's all pretty clear right now.’

‘Good. I heard you were pretty chatty today? Something you don't do often.’

‘Sir?’

‘Talking.’ You heard him swallowing again. ‘It's not the most comfortable thing for you to talk quite so much about nothing especially.’

‘No sir.’ You smiled.

‘… As evident by this conversation.’ He joked. ‘During these phone calls you're allowed to call me Phil you know… If it makes you more comfortable.’ He quickly added. You had no idea what brought that on.

‘Not really… But if it makes you comfortable I guess you're allowed to call me Emma.’ 

‘Okay, Emma.’

Something caught in the back of your throat and you weren't sure what it was, you'd never felt an adrenaline rush quite like it and you wondered why it happened.

‘You okay?’ He asked with concern in his voice.

‘I'm fine. Tired. I think I'm going to turn in.’

‘Okay. Good night Emma.’ Coulson said, with the same low tone he had before.

‘Good night.’

There was a pause where you were certain he was still listening for you to speak again, so you hung up and put your phone down to go to sleep. For whatever reason, you dreamt of Agent Coulson that night, nothing in particular, just having a drink and laughing with him at a bar, but for a while it was nice.

 

The next day, you woke abruptly on the floor of the safe house. You could feel sweat trickling into your eyes, you closed them momentarily before opening them again and bringing your hands around to push your body up off of the hard wood floors. You ached badly, but you'd gotten far too used to that ache. You had been fortunate that this was the first incident in a few days, unfortunate that it was on a mission where you could have compromised everything. You wandered back through the house and ran into Agent May about to start her morning work out, it was definitely early.

‘Agent Hart,’ she said closing the door to her room. ‘I didn't realise you were up?’

You just nodded and went into your own room to lay down on the much softer mattress for a few moments while you woke up fully. You stared up at the ceiling and tried to forget the nightmare that had taken you on your nightly journey, images would occasionally flash in front of your face, but you mostly cleared your mind and got ready for the day ahead.

Your phone buzzed as you got out of the shower.

"Sleep walking again?"

It was from Coulson.

"Its fine, just a small incident. Has made me slightly worried about compromising the mission though. Agent May locks the place down pretty well, but I don't place much confidence in locks."

"Any reason why not?"

"If I want to get out, I doubt any lock could stop me. At best I'd make enough noise to wake someone up and alert them to what was going on."

You didn't get a reply back straight away. You got dressed and dried your hair when your phone started ringing.

‘Agent May is aware that you have trouble sleeping properly and knows about the sleep walking.’ Coulson said. ‘She'll make sure you're safe.’

‘Okay.’ You believed him.

‘Maybe we should have stuck to texting?’ He was almost laughing.

‘Sir?’

‘I've never heard you say so much in one go before.’ He pointed out to you. ‘Are you more comfortable communicating via texting and emails?’

‘I don't have a preference.’

‘Okay, then let's talk.’ He said sipping on something. ‘Are you nervous for the mission?’

‘A little.’

There was a pause where Coulson sighed. ‘I'm going to need you to expand on that a little.’

‘I don't know sir, I'm just worried I'll compromise the mission in some way… It's supposed to be level one.’

‘Doesn't mean it'll be easy. That just means it's low risk and the chances of it going wrong are slim… Let me put it this way, if you're finding it too easy or boring, then you're probably not doing your job right.’

‘I don't find it boring.’

You could hear him thinking on the other end.

‘Does this have anything to do with what we talked about the other night? About what SHIELD does and doesn't need to know?’

You honestly hadn't thought about it.

‘I'm not sure. I haven't given it much thought.’

‘Emma, you're going to be a good agent. I'll make sure of that. Relax and concentrate on the mission objectives and if you're still worried when you get back, we’ll talk.’

‘Okay.’

‘Okay, I'll leave you to your day. Remember to send me your report tonight and call me when you get the chance.’

‘Yes sir.’

There was that awkward pause again, the one where you thought he expected you to speak again. You hung up and finished getting ready to head out. The rest of the mission seemed to go off without a hitch, your reports were short as were your conversations with Agent Coulson and you were about to pick up the undercover agents when both yours and Mays communicators began buzzing violently. You put your earpieces in.

‘May.’ She answered.

‘May, get us out of here now!’ A voice shouted over the comms. You grabbed your bag and threw everything in the back of the jeep, May drove towards the pick up point and the adrenaline shot through you as you saw the two agents fighting with a group of henchmen. She parked up, without really stopping and they hopped in.

‘Hart, take out the wheels!’ May called. You loaded your rifle and leaned out of the window, you could see two jeeps chasing you through the back roads of Rio. ‘Coulson! We’re heading back now!’ You heard over the comms.

‘What happened?’ He sounded furious. You couldn't quite get the shot you were looking for, the roads were too bumpy and you didn't want to risk blowing the two cars up so close to your own vehicle, so you waited until you saw a clear patch of road ahead and took aim.

‘They knew from the beginning sir!’ One of the agents said. ‘This mission should be bumped up to level three at least, we can't come back without back up!’

You felt the road ease and took the shot, one of the tyres blew and took the first jeep off the road, but there was still the second that had to be dealt with, you reloaded and played the patience game again, the problem was, night was closing in and you were losing your clear vision.

‘Are you being shot at?’ Coulson asked, you could hear him on the phone to the response team on the SHIELD base.

‘Agent Hart is taking care of it.’ May snapped. The bright orange light of the sun caught your eye for just a second, blinding you for just a fraction of a moment, but that was all it would take for the bullet to hit your shoulder with such force that you fell from the jeep into the long vegetation. 

‘Hart!’ You heard someone scream. The other jeep sped past where you were lying with pain running from the flesh wound down your arm. You slowly got to your feet, feeling the hot trickle of blood pour down your arm.

‘Hart are you okay?’ Coulson said over the radio.

‘Fine,’ you watched the jeep drive closer and closer to the docks and figured you would get your shot in while you could. ‘Agent May, I'll meet you at the docks.’ You lifted your gun, stared down the scope and had the font wheel of the enemy jeep in your sights, you took the shot and the jeep span off course. You threw your weapon over your good shoulder and sprinted hard down the hill. You ran straight past the enemy who were crawling out of the vehicle and trying to get their guns up and ready to shoot. You could see May and the two other agents getting out of the jeep not too far from where you were, but you still had to sprint hard. You jumped over a fallen tree and felt something tear through your calf.

‘Agent Hart!’ Coulson yelled. You wailed in pain, but you could hear the enemy getting closer to you. ‘Agent May, do not leave her there.’

‘I'm doing my best.’ May called and you heard her firing off a couple of shots. You could barely walk, running was no longer an option. You needed to get up though, you had to find the motivation to get to that boat. May wouldn't be able to hold them off forever. A body dropped beside you and you saw the dead mans eyes roll back into his head. He had some kind of device on him, a phone of some description, it looked very familiar. You took it and stuffed it in your pocket, it might've been useful.

‘Agent Hart if you don't get up and get your ass to that boat, you will be killed.’ Coulson said in quite possibly the most terrifying voice you'd ever heard him use. But you knew he was right, they wouldn't kill you quickly either, they'd make sure it was as slow and painful as possible. You finally got up and knowing that you were suffering heavy blood loss, ran with everything you had, feeling the agony radiating upwards from your leg through the rest of your body.

Finally you were running over the dock, bullets flying past you, you jumped hard and half of your body landed in the water, you were about to fall when one of the agents grabbed you and yanked you inside the boat. You felt the boat speed up as you lay back catching your breath. You could feel the last of the sun on your face and it was soothing.

‘Agent Hart, please respond.’ You couldn't quite place the voice. Someone was talking to you. ‘Agent Hart, respond.’ It was Coulson.

‘I'm fine.’ You croaked. The truth was you were so far from fine, you could feel your body shaking from the bullet wounds, but you weren't dying. It wasn't the same as dying. Coulson let out a sigh of relief.

‘What's your status?’ He asked, relaxing back into the calming presence you knew he wasn't. ‘Agent Hart, what's your status?’ He said again.

‘She's been shot Coulson.’ One the the agents looked down at you, you just noticed how tired he was, a few cuts and scrapes littering his face. ‘Nothing bad, just flesh wounds. She'll be fine.’ He began putting pressure on your shoulder and you felt the other agent do the same to your leg. You heard a small thud, like something falling. ‘What's that?’ He said looking down.

‘Son of a bitch.’ The other agent said, nearly laughing. ‘Coulson, she picked up our Intel. Must've grabbed it when May shot him down.’

‘Is she still awake?’ 

‘Yeah, she's still with us.’ The agent winked at you.

‘Agent Hart, are you okay?’ Coulson asked, you didn't feel much like talking, but you just about nodded.

‘She nodded.’ The agent said, putting the Intel in his vest and keeping it safe.

‘I'd like her to talk to me me Agent Triplett.’ He was angry, you could tell.

‘I'm fine.’ You mustered and could almost hear Coulson relaxing somewhat.

‘May give me an update once you've all been checked, you're coming back tonight.’ He said.

‘Yes sir.’ May was tense, but you didn't really have time to hear if she said anything else, because sleep had taken you and it was bliss.


	5. Recovery

You woke the following evening in the SHIELD medical wing of HQ, you could see Dr James making notes in your chart and just watched her while you felt your senses come back to you, you could feel an epic headache forming as well as a painful ache in your shoulder and your calf. You tried to adjust your position when Dr James noticed you were awake.

‘Agent Hart.’ She said cheerily. ‘How are you feeling? Bit groggy I expect?’

You just nodded.

‘To be expected, here.’ She went over to a machine just next to you and adjusted some dials, the pain was disappearing and you felt a little more awake. ‘Better?’

You nodded. She helped you sit up a little and drink some water.

‘Agent Coulson left this morning to start on his report.’ She said sitting down in the chair next to you. ‘He’s very concerned, so when you feel up to it, I’ll let him know you’re awake for him to come and see you.’ She smiled.

‘Is he angry?’ You asked, feeling your throat going dry again. She handed you some more water and shook her head.

‘No, not when he left. Why? Should he be?’ She frowned.

‘I don’t know.’ You admitted and took some more water.

‘Well, as I hear it, you recovered some pretty serious intel and saved the lives of the other agents on your team.’ Dr James smiled and stood up. ‘I need to check on your wounds, they’re healing nicely and with our new advancements, you should be back to training in a week or so.’ She was asking permission to touch you. You slowly nodded. ‘It won’t hurt, I promise.’ She assured you, but something told you it was just her bedside manner. She peeled away the bandages on your calf and you caught the glimpse of where the bullet had torn through, but it looked days old. The advancements must’ve been pretty good. She smiled and tried desperately to touch you as little as possible as she put the bandages back on.

‘Not bad at all.’ She said. ‘I’m just going to look at your shoulder now.’ You felt your body grow tense as she did the same thing. ‘That one’s just a scrape, it should feel much better soon.’ She sat back down in the chair and made some notes in the chart again. ‘Well, while I’m here, is there anything you’d like to talk about? Don’t worry I’ve cut the feed to this room for now, its perfectly secure.’

You shook your head and thought. ‘Are you sure Agent Coulson isn’t angry?’

She laughed. ‘You’ve grown quite attached to Phil.’ You just gave her a look, what did that mean? ‘I don’t mean that offensively, but it seems he’s grown attached to you as well.’

‘He’s my SO?’ 

‘Yes, but Phil hasn’t been an SO for years.’ She pointed out. ‘It does make one wonder.’

You frowned.

‘To show up on Agent Coulson’s radar means you must be a pretty extraordinary human being, or an enemy that will only live to regret being so loud.’ She eyed you curiously. ‘Well, you’re not the enemy. Phil generally does the introduction to SHIELD and occasionally handles teams he thinks might need the extra support. You were on a level one mission, I’ll be honest I didn’t even think he knew what level one was any more.’

‘I don’t know what you’re trying to say.’ You almost pleaded her to make sense.

‘It’s worrying that I believe that.’ Dr James made another note in your chart. ‘What was your sleep like on the mission?’

‘One sleep walking incident.’

‘Any nightmares?’

‘Yes.’

‘Any good dreams?’

‘One.’

‘Care to share?’

‘Not especially.’

Dr James gave another smile and made another note. ‘Was Agent Coulson involved in the dream?’ You felt a heat begin to radiate from your chest, up your neck and bleed into your face. ‘Believe it or not, this is a good thing Agent Hart. One good dream out of a hundred is always a good thing. I think Phil is having a very positive impact on you. How does he make you feel?’ 

You thought this a tremendously personal question. But in truth you weren’t sure and only one word came to mind. ‘Comfortable.’

‘Comfortable is good.’ She said and gave a winning smile. ‘My husband makes me feel comfortable.’ Dr James stood up. What did that mean? ‘I’ll let Agent Coulson know you’re awake.’ And before you could ask her anything she left.

You spent the next ten or so minutes resting, thinking on what Dr James had said. Maybe you should have been trying to make more of an effort with Agent Coulson, if she thought he was having a positive impact on you, then maybe you should at least be trying to meet him half way. The trouble was, comfort only went so far.

‘Agent Hart.’ A cheery voice echoed through your room. You snapped out of your thoughts and looked towards the end of your bed to see Agent Coulson standing watching you. He looked very tired and like he didn’t make it home the night before. You gave him a smile and sat up a little more. ‘You look a lot better than when you arrived. How are you?’

‘I’m fine.’ You suddenly felt like you’d said that a lot. ‘Erm… I feel better.’ He could see you had made the effort and smiled at you. He sat down in the chair Dr James had been in and leaned on his hand.

‘Dr James said you thought I was angry with you?’ He unbuttoned his jacket and watched you. ‘I’m not. I’m pretty upset that you ended up in hospital on your first real mission, but I’m not angry. You did everything that was asked of you and more. Agent Triplett called in to tell me the intel had been taken and we were in the process of dealing with that when you were called to extract them. You retrieved the intel and met your mission objective, to get those two agents home safely.’

‘So, I did okay?’ You knew he’d already said that, but you weren’t good at conversation and he was trying his best to help you.

‘Yes, you did just fine.’ He nodded and smiled again. ‘Unfortunately though, it has been upgraded to a level four mission and until you get there, you’ll no longer receive any information on the matter.’

‘I understand sir.’ You adjusted and felt a little pain in your leg.

‘You alright?’

‘Yeah… just a twinge.’ You added. You remembered what he said about expanding during one of you phone calls checking in.

‘Let me know if I need to get Dr James.’ You could see concern lacing his eyes as he watched you. ‘You want to do the debrief now? We can wait until tomorrow if you want?’

‘Now is good.’ You paused and he momentarily waited for you to say something else. ‘I don’t have anything else to do anyway.’ You gave a twitch of a smile and it seemed to settle him some.

‘Okay, well, seeing as it’s been upgraded to level four, I can only tell you so much… your mission was successful and you were the only one with serious injuries.’

You waited for him to continue.

‘Is that it?’ You asked.

‘Pretty much.’ Coulson leaned back and stretched his muscles smiling at some inside joke you didn’t get. ‘It’s level four now.’ He relaxed. ‘That means, the only thing you need to know is you did an excellent job and the intel will be dealt with by a level four team.’

‘Why do I feel like you’re mocking me?’ You frowned.

‘Only a little.’ He smiled. You couldn’t help but give a small smile back. ‘So, I noticed you don’t have any music playing in here?’

You gave a small chuckle. For whatever reason, he seemed to be the only person you didn’t immediately feel embarrassed about hearing your music. ‘My laptop is in my bag behind you.’

Coulson turned and took it out, bringing up the music and searching through for the one he liked. ‘I meant to send you that one you liked.’ You said, almost startling him. ‘I can do it now… if you want?’

‘Sure.’ He smiled warmly and turned the laptop to face you. It was difficult to do with just one arm working properly, but you began playing it and then went into the options of sending it. ‘I’m glad you’ve shared your music with me.’ He said softly. There was that small adrenaline rush again, you heard the heart monitor pick up speed momentarily and that same heat radiated through your chest and reached you face. You suddenly felt the unnatural urge to avoid all eye contact with Coulson.

‘That’s it sent.’ You said and turned the laptop back to Coulson, who was grinning at you. ‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

You felt a little awkward for a moment before catching Dr James moving around out the corner of your eye. ‘Can I ask a question?’

Coulson nodded.

‘Dr James said you haven’t been an SO in a long while.’ You paused, thinking about how to phrase the question. ‘I mean… Agent May is a good teacher?... I heard Agent Ward is pretty good too and they specialise in field operations.’

Coulson just looked at you. You could tell he knew what you were trying to say and still waited for you to say it.

‘You know what I’m asking.’ You said a little exasperated.

‘I do.’ He admitted. ‘But I want you to ask the question. The relationships between an SO and the agents they train don’t work unless the two are entirely direct with each other. I want you to get used to asking me direct questions.’

You didn’t quite understand his reasoning, but you sighed and thought about the question anyway.

‘Why are you my SO?’

‘Because I assigned myself to be.’ It seemed to be a fairly plain statement and he didn’t look like he was going to expand any time soon.

‘Okay…’ You thought about how mush more directly you could ask. ‘Why did you assign yourself to be my SO? Dr James said people don’t show up on your radar for no reason, so why did I show up?’

‘What has Dr James been telling you?’ He looked as if someone had just given away his biggest secret.

‘Answer my question first. Why me?’ You challenged him. It seemed to do the trick, because he sighed and gave in.

‘Okay. You are an interesting person and I am…’ He seemed to be stuck for words.

‘Interested?’ You offered. Something happened behind his eyes and he very suddenly retreated into a shell.

‘Maybe I shouldn’t be your SO.’ He mused out loud. ‘Agent May would probably be a better option anyway and you two do seem to get on very well.’

‘Wait a second, go back. I don’t understand what’s going on here.’ You were tired of playing games with Agent Coulson and tired of the responses he was giving you. ‘Dr James did a better job of explaining than I did. She said you were having a positive impact and I was… just wondering what that meant.’

You leaned back in your bed and sighed. You were no good at this and Agent Coulson seemed to be stuck for words.

‘I’m glad I'm having a positive impact.’ He said quietly. ‘I’m more interested in whether you feel better for it? Because otherwise we’re all wasting our time here.’ You looked at him and remembered the word you had used when Dr James had asked you how Coulson made you feel.

‘I feel comfortable… I’m not a comfortable person.’ It was the only thing you could say.

‘That’s good.’ Coulson said, you looked at him and saw he was smiling again. ‘I suppose Dr James got you to realise that?’

‘She asked the question.’ You shrugged with your good shoulder.

‘And you came up with comfortable?’

You thought for a moment. Comfortable was as good a word as any. ‘I think I would feel okay if I was playing music and you were watching. It’s the only way I can tell if I’m comfortable around someone.’

Coulson looked as if something painful happened in his chest. But you didn’t really want to see that, so you looked away and fidgeted. You were suddenly reminded of something that happened on the mission, the thoughts that went through your head when the dead man’s body fell next to you.

‘Can I tell you something?’ You asked, you thought hard.

‘Of course.’ Coulson said softly.

‘It’s about the mission.’ Coulson’s face set into an almost blank stare, he still looked tired though. ‘When my leg got hit, I fell… I saw one of the… this is hard to explain.’ You couldn’t quite work out what to say.

‘Okay, let me see if I can help.’ Coulson rubbed his chin, which you could see was a little stubbly. He looked good like that, almost defined. ‘The report said you jumped over a fallen tree and that’s when Agent May saw you go down, she then said she saw one of the hostiles approaching your position and she took him down, he fell near you as far as she could tell. So something happened at that point?’

You nodded. ‘He was dead before he hit the ground, but his eyes were still open…’

‘You were scared?’ Coulson helped.

‘Yes… but more than just scared. I wasn’t sure what would happened if I didn’t get up… or rather I did and I was more than scared. I remember you telling me to get up and get to the boat and if I didn’t I’d be killed, but it wasn’t being killed that scared me.’ You didn’t know how else to explain, but it seemed Coulson didn’t need you to go into any more detail.

‘I think you should give Dr James a chance, talking to someone like her can help us deal with things like this. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and have you worry over it.’ Coulson said, leaning forward and trying to offer comfort where he could.

‘I’ll give it another try.’ You promised. Coulson gave you a small smile and leaned back watching you again. ‘She said she’s the only doctor you’ll see?’

‘That woman is revealing far too many secrets for my liking.’ Coulson joked. It made you chuckle a little much to his pleasure. ‘Okay, well I’d best get going. I’ll swing by tomorrow when you’re released and take you home? You won’t be able to walk.’

‘Sure.’ You nodded and smiled.

‘Good night Emma.’ Coulson said as he stood up, the adrenaline rush came back and Coulson raised his eyebrows at the heart monitor, before leaving you in peace. You watched him talk to Dr James, still smiling before he left for good.

Dr James leaned on the door frame. ‘I’ll let you know the times I’m free this week so you can come in a talk.’ You nodded and started to feel like you were regretting it already. ‘Would you feel better if Agent Coulson was in the room with us?’

You shrugged with you good shoulder. ‘Okay, well lets talk about it tomorrow, you should get some rest.’ And with that she left you to go back to sleep, you sank deeper into rest and found yourself at that same bar with Coulson, drinking and laughing.


	6. Cramp

You were finally feeling well enough to leave the medical wing the following afternoon, you had agreed with Dr James that you would take the rest of the day off to rest and recover before coming in for your physical therapy session the next day. You had done a little that morning, but it wore you out far too quickly for your liking, even with Agent Triplett being your cheerleader on the side.

‘You’ll be back up kicking our asses in no time Hart.’ He said with a wink and left you with Dr James who was being as delicate as possible in putting a lighter dressing over your wounds.

‘He’s right.’ She said. ‘You’ll be fine in a few days, we’ll reassess and look at a date you can get back to your usual training regime.’ You nodded and allowed her to finish your leg. ‘Your shoulder is fine, but I’ll put a dressing on it, just to avoid irritation during the night, okay?’ You nodded again and felt tired. ‘Agent Coulson has also asked that I give you another prescription for sleeping pills, now while I agree you should be getting a full eight hours as often as you can, I don’t want you becoming reliant on them. So I’d like you to take one tonight and then try to do your best without them until we can get you back into training.’

‘Okay.’ You agreed, remembering what Coulson had said about relapsing. Dr James had just about finished when you saw the exhausted frame of Agent Coulson come into view.

‘Phil.’ Dr James said in greeting. ‘You okay?’ 

‘Fine, just a little worn out.’ He said, his voice a little raspy.

Dr James nodded and gestured for them to talk somewhere more private. You just did a little work on you mission report, making sure you had the main points in there before you went into any detail. You gave a quick glance up to where Coulson and Dr James were talking quietly and saw her cock her head towards where you were sitting and a smile appear on Coulson’s face. It made you smile a little, to know that whatever they were saying about you must have been a good thing.

You saw Coulson put something in his pocket as he entered your room, you ignored it for now and shut down your laptop. Ever the gentleman, he took your laptop and put it into your bag for you and made sure you weren’t forgetting anything.

‘You look much better today? Feel good?’ He asked.

‘Better… You look tired?’ 

Coulson chuckled. ‘Thanks.’ He knew you didn’t mean it like that. ‘Need a hand down?’ He offered. You shook your head immediately, but upon seeing the bed was slightly higher than you thought it was, took his hand and eased yourself off the bed anyway. You winced a little at your leg, but soon adjusted so that it was more comfortable, that’s when you realised that you were still holding Agent Coulson’s hand. You felt the heat rise in your body again and quickly let go of his hand, you thought you saw that flicker of something behind his eyes again, before he gave you a tight smile and led you out of the room.

He allowed you to dictate the pace to the lift, you stepped in a little out of breath and leaned against the wall.

‘You okay?’ He asked, unbuttoning his suit jacket again.

‘Yeah, just a little out of breath.’ You admitted. ‘Are you okay?’ You had made a note that morning that you would again make an effort to meet him half way.

‘I’m fine. Just a little tired.’ He leaned against the wall next to you.

‘I’m trying.’ You suddenly said. He gave you a small frown. You expanded. ‘I mean to have a conversation. It’s not easy for me.’

‘I know.’ He said quietly. ‘I appreciate the effort. I’m just a little worn out, I’m afraid any conversation isn’t easy for me right now.’ He chuckled. 

‘Did something happen?’ You asked, unsure if you were stepping over a line. He frowned at you again. ‘I’m offering myself as a friend. That’s what friends do, right? They listen to other friends’ problems and help them fix it?’

‘Yeah, yeah they do.’ He smiled. ‘And I appreciate you offering your friendship. But I’m afraid it’s work related and fixing the problem isn’t something we’ll be able to do with one conversation in an elevator.’ You almost felt like he was taking a shot at you and that the friendship you had wasn’t really a two way street, like you thought it was.

The lift came to a stop and Coulson stepped out first and waited for you to follow. ‘I’m going home for the day anyway, so that means you get to meet Lola.’ There was a flicker of excitement that flashed over his face.

‘Lola?’ You asked. Coulson pointed towards the other end of the garage where that beautiful red corvette sat, the same one that sat in the garage of your building. ‘This is yours?’

‘My pride and joy.’ Coulson nodded and opened the door for you to get in. ‘Hence why I always offer you a ride home. I guess you didn’t know we live in the same building?’

‘No, I didn’t.’ You carefully limped over to the car and sat down, it was just as beautiful inside as it was on the outside, cream interior and a beautifully sculpted dashboard. You watched Coulson sit down at the wheel and noted how comfortable he looked sitting there, nothing like what you imagined the owner to be like at all. ‘I imagined some flamboyant young playboy owned this car when I first saw it.’

Coulson laughed that laugh you loved to see as he reversed out the space and started off down the road. ‘Who says I’m not a playboy?’ He joked. It made you laugh a little.

‘You?’

‘I could totally be a player.’ He insisted, still smiling. He looked incredibly care free and nothing like the Coulson you knew from work, this was a different man altogether.

‘Okay.’ You held your hands up and smiled at him. The journey was nice, the air was a little crisp for your liking, but you still liked seeing the city this way. Finally you arrived and almost went to take the stairs, but instead approached the lift, you’d never used it before because it was so small you thought you could suffocate inside, but for some reason, even though you were abnormally close to Agent Coulson, it didn’t feel like that at all.

‘I’m usually on my own in here.’ He smiled down at you. ‘Didn’t realise how little space there was. You okay?’ He pressed the button to go to your floor.

‘I’m fine.’ You said, secretly enjoying whatever aftershave he had on, it was a musky sort of smell, a couple of days old, but it was there and it made you feel very warm. It felt like an eternity before you got to your floor, Coulson allowed you to go first and you took your key out of your pocket to open up the door to your apartment. Coulson put your bag down close to the door, before looking at you.

‘I’m just next door if you need anything.’ He assured you and you suddenly felt strange to know he lived so close. ‘Call me if you need me.’ He looked as if he was fighting an internal battle as he looked down at you, before taking a deep breath and smiling again. He left your apartment and went straight for his apartment door, you watched him for a moment and closed the door.

Your evening was mostly spent finishing your report and struggling with some of the details, you were finding it difficult to remember some things. You decided to text Coulson on the off chance he was still up and ask if it was okay that it was a bit patchy.

"Sure. As long as you mention it. That way we can look at the other reports and put the pieces together."

"Sorry. I didn’t realise you were still up."

You hoped you hadn’t woken him.

"It’s fine, I’m still working. You should be getting some rest soon though. Did Dr James give you something to help you sleep?"

"Yes, but my leg is bothering me. It feels tight."

"Like cramp?"

"Sort of."

There was a moment when Coulson didn’t reply. Maybe he’d fallen asleep, you decided to do a little more work and then attempt to sleep as well, you had played your guitar that night, just to give your shoulder a bit of a work out and it had actually felt better for a while. But you knew you would have to make the journey to put it away again and you didn’t fancy doing anymore with your leg than you needed to.

"Do you want me to come over and help?"

"How?"

"I’ve been shot before, I know how to ease the cramp… but it would involve physical contact? You can say no, painkillers would work just fine until the morning."

He knew you hated people touching you, but your leg was feeling especially tight and it was that nagging, annoying sort of pain that would only get more annoying until you did something about it.

"Okay, worth a try right?"

A few minutes later, you heard a knock at you door. You were glad you weren’t wearing your pyjama shorts, you were a little self conscious about your body as it was and Coulson would probably hate to see your scars.

‘Hey.’ You said, Coulson smiled at you through his tired eyes, but that wasn’t what caught your eye. He was in jeans and a t shirt that showed off his muscles, you felt the heat run through you again.

‘Hi.’ You stepped to one side, letting him in as he took his thick black glasses off and tucked them into his t shirt. He waited for you to close the door before speaking again. ‘So, the leg?’

‘Oh yeah, I actually think the dressing is just a bit tight.’

‘Okay, let’s loosen it a little then.’ He smiled and allowed you to sit down on the edge of your sofa, you pulled up the trouser leg of your joggers. Coulson knelt down in front of you and you could smell the musky scent again. You didn’t quite know what was going on with you, why were you behaving this way towards Agent Coulson? ‘Is this your stuff playing?’ He suddenly asked, referring to the music.

‘Yeah, it’s old stuff though.’ You brushed it off and carefully watched, getting more and more nervous the closer he got to actual contact with your skin. He noticed your nervousness and began taking his time, being more careful to avoid it until it was absolutely necessary.

‘I like it. It’s soothing.’ He smiled at you. You tried to smile back, but you were a little too tense to get it right. ‘Look, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here, just let me know if I need to stop. Okay?’ He made you promise. Eventually the dressing was off and the cramp just got worse momentarily, until he lifted your leg and carefully stretched the muscle, loosening it with his other hand. You watched him focus for a while. ‘How’s that?’ He suddenly said, breaking your thoughts.

‘Better.’ You admitted. 

‘Good. I think you were right, the dressing was just a little tight. I’ll try to wrap it looser for you.’ Coulson said and began wrapping your leg again.

‘Do you want a drink?’ You asked and pointed to the vodka bottle sitting on the table. 

‘Sure.’ Coulson smiled and finished wrapping your leg. ‘Is there another glass?’

‘Cupboard above the microwave.’ You said, pushing your trouser leg down. Coulson got another glass and sat next to you, you poured two glasses and handed one to Coulson.

‘Cheers.’ He said and you both downed the vodka. You let your head rest back, staring up at the ceiling, you could feel his eyes on you though.

‘You’re staring at me.’ You said, you never normally cared, but you were making an effort to talk to Coulson and you’d already had two vodkas before he came over.

‘Sorry, I’m just waiting for you to say something.’ He said quietly. You turned to him and it looked like he’d had a couple of drinks before he came over as well. You both started laughing and you didn’t even know why, but apparently it was hilarious.

You both had a couple more drinks and you were definitely verging on drunk. He’d asked about your guitar that sat next you and you had agreed to play a song, but kept messing up, making him laugh.

‘Wait, wait, I can do this.’ You said, hearing your words slur, you tried again and again messed up the order of the chords played. ‘Damn it.’

‘I’m starting to think you can’t actually play.’ Coulson was still laughing. 

‘I can play, honestly. But I’m not usually drunk when I’m playing.’ You defended. But eventually you gave up and put the guitar down, you heard it fall and winced at the sound of a string breaking. ‘I’ll fix it in the morning.’

You settled back against the sofa and suddenly realised that you were a lot closer to Coulson than you had been previously. You just stared at each other for the longest time, watching each other think and wondering what the other person was thinking, before it got a bit much and you felt the adrenaline rush and the heat rising again and had to look away.

‘Emma.’ Coulson whispered softly, you turned back to him and there was a pleading in his eyes, but you couldn’t work out why.

‘I don’t know what’s happening.’ You said, Coulson just laughed.

There was an air of drunken confidence to the both of you as you waited for his reaction. ‘Well,’ he said, putting his glass down on the table and turning back to you. ‘I’m watching you, because I’m waiting to see if I’m allowed to kiss you.’ You stopped all thought for a moment, was that why you felt the way you did? Was this what attraction felt like? Is that what Dr James meant? Was this just because the both of you were drunk? Did you want to kiss him back? ‘You’re thinking about it too much.’ He said.

‘I’ve never kissed anyone before.’ You admitted. He gave you a small frown.

‘No one?’ He asked, in disbelief. You shook your head as panic began to float through his mind. 

‘I don’t like to be touched because it scares me to get hurt, I’ve never had a boyfriend because of that.’ You suddenly felt incredibly sad and stared into your glass. ‘I’d like to though, kiss you I mean, but I don’t really know what I’m doing. I kind of missed out on all of that stuff.’ You looked at Coulson and saw him sympathise for you, it wasn’t that he felt sorry for you exactly, it was more an understanding of what it was to miss out on things.

‘You want to kiss me?’ He asked quietly. You nodded and saw that flicker of something behind his eyes. ‘It requires physical contact, you know.’ He joked, you laughed at him.

‘I’m aware of that.’ You laughed. Coulson held out his hand and you took it as your cue to take it, he helped you stand up and led you to the open space between you sofa and the front door. ‘What are we doing?’ You said, still laughing and limping around to follow him. He didn’t let go of your hand and it felt more than comfortable, it felt like something you weren’t sure there was a word for.

‘Now,’ he started straightening himself up. ‘I don’t pretend to be an expert, but I won’t lie, I think I’m a pretty damn good kisser.’ You both laughed again. 

Once you had stopped you watched him go from joking around, to what you now recognised as undeniably attracted to you. It made the heat rise in your chest again and he smiled as he carefully stepped closer to you. ‘Close your eyes.’ He whispered, he was so close to your face, you could feel his breath on your lips and your found it incredibly satisfying. You felt his body almost press against yours and for a moment you were uncomfortable. ‘Now’s your chance to back out if you want to.’ He whispered, you smiled and shook your head, everything told you at that moment all you wanted to do was share your first kiss with this man.

You felt his hand stroke your cheek and your breath hitched slightly, he definitely noticed. You felt his other hand gently rest on your lower back and guide you closer, you felt incredibly warm, but it was nothing compared to the feel of his lips so close to yours, just drifting over them, almost teasingly, before applying glorious pressure. Your hands came up to touch his strong body and you had never felt more comfortable than you did at that moment. There was no tension, no rigidity, nothing to suggest that you shouldn’t be doing this.

You could feel his breath quicken just as he slowly began to pull away, he didn’t go far and already you missed the contact, his hands stayed where they were and you could still feel his breath on your lips. ‘Are you okay?’ He whispered. You weren’t sure what kind of question that was and a time like this?

‘I want to do that again.’ You whispered back and felt him relax and smile as he pressed his lips to you once more, again being ever so gentle at first, before applying more pressure and making you feel that heat in the pit of your stomach. He pulled back and looked at you for confirmation that you were in fact okay. You smiled and felt giddy, something you didn’t ever remember feeling before in your life. Something else you didn’t recognise happened behind his eyes, it was almost like panic.

‘I should go.’ He said and a small amount of sadness rushed over you, you didn’t want him to leave, you wanted him to stay with you and kiss you over and over again. ‘Will you be okay?’ There was a real sincerity to his voice. You nodded and realised that you were still holding him, you didn’t feel the urge to let go though, quite the opposite in fact. ‘Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Coulson went over to the door and smiled back at you. ‘Good night Emma.’

‘Good night.’


	7. The Next Morning

Your head was killing you, you were sure of it. Pain radiated from the front of your head, whipped at your temples and circled around for another go. You were so incredibly hungover. You only remembered being that bad once, when you were at the academy and your room mate had been going through a break up with one of the students, she cried most of the night and insisted wine was helping. You still didn’t see how it helped though. 

The only positive was that you didn’t have any nightmares, but then the entire night had been a little patchy. You remembered playing your guitar and finishing up your report to send off that night. Beyond that would require a strong cup of coffee to wake you up. You heard a knock at the door and realised that you’d fallen asleep on the sofa, there was another knock. You rolled off and managed to fall on top of you guitar that was in need of repair. You made a muffled grunting noise and struggled to your feet, feeling the pain in your leg.

‘Agent Hart?’ A familiar voice at the door.

‘Coming.’ You called and looked down to see small drops of blood on your shirt. A nose bleed. It was exactly what you needed at that moment. You limped over to the kitchen and grabbed something to hold your nose with. Your body ached incredibly and you were sure you could hear your alarm in the distance.

Finally you made it to the door, holding your nose, you imagined you looked quite the picture to Agent Coulson who was on the other side, dressed and ready for the day ahead.

‘Are you okay?’ He exclaimed on seeing you. You remembered him coming over the night before because your leg was in pain.

‘Just a nose bleed.’ You said, but you were sure it was just muffled sound. Coulson looked incredibly concerned though. You let him come in and went to the kitchen to sit down.

‘Do you get them often?’ He asked. You shook your head, wiping away any excess and holding the tissue in place again. ‘Is that your alarm?’ He asked hearing the sound in the bedroom. You nodded, reaching over to put the kettle on. Coulson went into the bedroom and the alarm was turned off, though you could still hear the ringing in your ears. You leaned on your arm in an effort to ease your hangover, still holding your nose. ‘You’re only just up?’

‘Yeah.’ You mumbled.

You could feel Coulson moving awkwardly around your apartment, how was he not incredibly hungover? You couldn’t even remember how much you’d had to drink the previous night. Eventually the worst was over and Coulson had been kind enough to make you a coffee and set some painkillers just next to your mug, you mumbled your thanks and limped towards the bathroom to clean up a little.

When you came back you took note of just how different Coulson looked compared to his usual self. You gave him a quizzical look and he just sighed. You sat down and sipped your coffee, throwing the painkillers back with it.

‘Are you okay?’ He had a much more serious tone to his voice than you were used to.

‘You’ve already asked that.’ You replied. You weren’t exactly sure of why he was so concerned with your well being. ‘I’m just hungover.’ You finally said when he didn’t look as if he was about to back down. ‘Are you okay?’

Coulson looked at you in disbelief, before turning away. He spotted your guitar on the floor and picked it up. 

‘How did that happen?’ You asked, pointing at the broken string. A flicker of surprise and then relief flashed over Coulson’s face before he decided to answer.

‘You… you were struggling to put two chords together, you gave up and it fell down.’ He said, robotically. There was something off about Coulson today and you couldn’t place it, but maybe you were just seeing things, you weren’t exactly at your sharpest. He put your guitar down and shifted his stance a little. ‘Look, give me a call when you’re ready to head in and I’ll send someone to pick you up. You shouldn’t be walking around on that leg too much.’ You sipped your coffee and nodded. ‘I’ll let Dr James know you’re going to be a little late to your physical therapy.’ He gave you a tight smile and left your apartment for you to get ready. Something was definitely wrong with Agent Coulson. 

You went about waking up with a struggle, your leg hurt and the hot water on your skin was soothing, but stung at the same time. You slowly began to remember small things about the night before, like Coulson being incredibly careful when he loosened your bandages, like dropping your guitar. But the thing you struggled to comprehend was the warm feeling that sat in the pit of your stomach whenever you thought about Agent Coulson that morning. You had to assume you were still hungover and recovering slowly, but you couldn’t avoid going into work that day.

You picked up your phone and dialled Coulson, pressing it between your good shoulder and cheek you gathered the things you needed to restring your guitar. He picked up after a few rings, that was unusual.

‘Coulson.’ He answered. You could hear silence in the background, maybe the sound of someone sighing.

‘Sir, I’m ready to be picked up. Would you mind sending a car?’ You asked, settling into your task. You managed to get rid of the old broken string and began going about putting the new one on.

‘Of course.’ There was a slight pause, where you were convinced someone in the background was talking to him.

‘Thank you.’ You said, about to hang up. You didn’t really want to intrude if he was in a meeting.

‘Agent Hart,’ he said before you could hang up. ‘I’ll be there in twenty minutes.’

You didn’t really want to argue, Coulson obviously was going through something and maybe you were having a positive impact on him. Something floated to the forefront of your mind, but it was gone before you could catch it.

‘Agent Hart?’ Coulson said, bringing you back from your thoughts.

‘Sorry, just got distracted. I’ll see you soon.’ You hung up before he could say anything else. Not something you normally did, but something had just happened to you and you had no explanation for what it was. You continued to fix your guitar when Coulson knocked at your door, you limped over to it and opened the door. He looked his usual brand of tired and you had a little sympathy for him.

‘Hi.’ He said. You remembered him saying the same thing last night when he came to your door. He looked good in his jeans and tight t shirt. You smiled and picked up your jacket and bag. 

You followed him down to his car and hopped in. 

‘I thought you were sending a car?’ You asked casually as you stopped at a light.

‘Yeah, well something didn’t go as planned so I was able to pick you up myself.’ There was a tightness sitting in his throat and you couldn’t figure out why, he hadn’t looked at you when he gave his answer.

‘Agent Coulson, are you okay?’ You tried. ‘You seem tense sir.’

The tension just stepped up and level and he continued to avoid eye contact.

‘Like I said, something didn’t go as planned.’

‘Work related?’ You weren’t sure if you should’ve been pushing the subject.

‘Yes and no.’ Was the only thing said. The car was silent for the rest of the journey and you enjoyed it, it was comfortable. You remembered telling Dr James that Coulson made you feel comfortable. There was the flicker of a memory again floating to the forefront of your mind.

‘Thank you for helping me last night.’ You said as Coulson parked in his usual spot. He gave you a tight smile.

‘You’re welcome.’ He finally looked at you and you found it familiar. You had sat like this the night before and you had laughed with Coulson, you felt a smile pull at your mouth before you decided to get out of the car. ‘Agent Hart.’ Coulson called as you got out of the car, a few other agents gave you a quick glance, but no one really paid any attention to you. ‘Once you’ve finished with Dr James, I’d like you to come to my office.’ He said, before approaching you. ‘We need to talk about something.’ He said much quieter than he had done before. You nodded and continued to limp towards the medical wing where Dr James was waiting with Agent Triplett and a smile on her face.

The session was exhausting, but Dr James assured you that you’d be able to get back to training in a couple of days thanks to the advancements. You hated the needles, but you held your breath throughout and took it like an Agent. Dr James was good at making you a little more at ease, but nothing compared to what Agent Coulson could do… where in the world did that come from?

‘Everything alright?’ Dr James interrupted your thoughts as she began unwrapping your bandage in the privacy of her office.

‘Yes.’ You were suddenly on the defensive.

Dr James smiled, why did you get the impression she knew something you didn’t?

‘I spoke with Agent Coulson this morning.’ She said casually. ‘He said you and him… bonded last night?’

You gave her a blank stare.

‘Oh god, how much did you have to drink?’

‘I need to pick up another bottle on the way home.’ You mumbled.

Dr James began carefully looking over the bullet wound, that was now almost completely healed. ‘Well, I’ll presume you don’t remember kissing him then?’

The tension took over your body like a sledge hammer, the memory came flooding back in one gloriously suffocating wave. The laughing, the quiet tone of Coulson telling you to close your eyes, the trust you had shared, the comfortable closeness of his body pressing against yours, his lips gliding over yours and making a heat sit in the pit of your stomach that you craved so much. You had kissed Agent Coulson and he had panicked and left.

‘He was your first.’ Dr James had waited until you played the memory over a few times before speaking. ‘He talked about it this morning before he went to pick you up, he feels guilty. I told him he needed to stop being such a coward and talk to you about it.’ You felt a fear whip at your spine. ‘How did it make you feel?’

You didn’t know what the right word was to describe how it made you feel, you had that heat that just wouldn’t shift and you weren’t sure what it meant. ‘Comfortable.’ You said the only word that came to mind. Dr James smiled and leaned back in her chair. You rolled your trouser leg down.

‘That’s it?’ She pushed your patience slightly. It wasn’t something you wanted to discuss, so you gave in to the rigidity you loved so much, but this time it didn’t give you much comfort anymore. ‘You just felt comfortable? Nothing else?’

‘Like what?’ You wished immediately that you hadn’t asked.

‘Like, maybe, possibly… aroused?’ You felt your eyes widen slightly and that heat pour into your chest and face, you really did not want to talk about any of this. ‘Because that’s what most people would feel, being kissed by a handsome man who’s been flirting with you since day one.’ 

You stood up, straightened your jacket and left Dr James’s office, you had just about no desire to talk about the way you felt about Agent Coulson any longer. You went to your desk in your cubicle and began working on your next assignment, it was simple surveillance of a highly secure building in California with Agent Coulson for two weeks, you had been excited when you initially heard about the case from Agent Triplett the morning before but now you just felt… uncomfortable.

It had gotten late without you noticing and you still felt like you had some energy to burn, you got changed and headed onto the basketball court. You didn’t do much to agitate your injuries, but enough that you felt like you were getting a good work out in. You stayed there for around an hour with your music playing in the background while you dribbled and shot. The rest of HQ had begun to head home and you were still left, you threw the ball and hit the edge of the hoop, it bounced off in the other direction from you. 

‘You were supposed to come up to my office after your physical therapy.’ Coulson’s voice echoed next to the door. You turned to see him looking tired, his top two buttons undone, no tie and sleeves rolled up. It had been a very long day. ‘You’re also supposed to be resting, you’ve not been cleared to start training yet.’ 

You picked up the ball and sprinted towards the basket, shooting and catching the ball as it flew through the net. You went back to the centre of the court, panting a little and feeling a twinge in your leg. Coulson saw it. You weren’t sure if you were angry or if you were just uncomfortable, but you made the decision that would ignore everything you were feeling, because it made you comfortable. 

You saw him out of the corner of your eye move to sit down on one of the benches. He didn’t speak so you went another round and every time you landed the twinge got just a little worse. Coulson noticed. Soon though it was too much and you fell back against the wall near to where Coulson was sitting. You panted for air and relaxed, feeling the sweat trickle down your face.

‘You feel better for that?’ He snapped. ‘I asked you to come and see me for a reason. I didn’t want Dr James to be the one that reminded you of what happened. I wanted to apologise for it.’ You continued to pant, rubbing your calf and easing the pain. ‘I took advantage of you while you were vulnerable, what’s worse is that you had confided in me and I still did it anyway.’

‘I’m an adult.’ You said, defensively. ‘Don’t treat me like anything else.’

Coulson stood up in front of you. ‘Is your leg bothering you?’ You shook your head. Coulson crouched down. ‘Is it cramp again? You want me to treat you like an adult, let me help.’ You eventually gave in and nodded. 

He started to stretch the muscle again, like he had the night before, you massaged your shoulder a little and watched as his hands began working around the wound, it felt good and you felt a smile tug at your mouth. You stopped before it turned into anything else. But you had a feeling Coulson caught it anyway.

‘I don’t know what to say.’ You said. 

He slowed his movements and looked up at you.

‘Tell me how you feel about it and we’ll go from there.’

‘….good.’ It was better than comfortable and fine. ‘I feel good and I don’t understand it.’

Coulson lowered your leg and gave you a look. ‘You feel good because you were drunk and something exciting happened… a new experience.’ Coulson thought for a moment. You couldn’t tell what was going on in his head. Was he taking a shot at you?

‘I need to take a shower.’ You said and stood up to gather your things and head for the showers.

‘Please don’t run away.’ You heard him say. You stopped at the door and waited for him to explain himself. ‘Please talk to me. We were making progress and I don’t want to ruin that, you were finally communicating and even making friends. Don’t let me ruin that for you.’

‘You didn’t!’ You snapped. ‘You didn’t ruin anything. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to… do.’

‘What do you want to do?’ You could feel him close behind you. You knew exactly what you wanted to do, but saying it was another thing altogether.

‘I want to go back… I want to feel like that again.’

Coulson sighed behind you. ‘Take a shower, I’ll drive you home.’

You guessed that was it then. You had been thinking more about the kiss while the hot water ran down your aching body, the way it made you feel. You hated to be touched, but for whatever reason when Agent Coulson touched you, you felt it was the most essential thing to the human experience. You briefly wondered if he felt the same. You knew people kissed for all sorts of reasons, when they loved each other, that one was obvious. When they were scared about something, you thought people called that ‘heat of the moment’. A peck as a sign of close friendship, but you were certain it wasn’t a peck. The only logical conclusion that you came to was that Agent Coulson was caught in the heat of the moment and it was a mistake, that must have been it, nothing else seemed to fit the criteria in the same way. But what was he scared of?

With that in mind you left the changing rooms, only drying your hair a little before putting it up. Coulson had put his suit jacket back on and you could see the top of his tie sticking out of his pocket. You both went out to the garage in silence and the drive home was just as thick with tension.

‘Were you scared?’ You suddenly found yourself asking. Coulson whipped his head around to you, his face was set in a state of confusion and disbelief.

‘Care to elaborate?’

‘Last night, were you scared of something?’ It was the best you could come up with.

‘Not that I remember… were you?’ You thought about it and you remember a small amount of fear that sat in your chest, but you attributed that to nerves, it was the first time you had kissed anyone and you were drunk.

‘I was nervous.’ You said, thinking about it carefully. Coulson let out a heavy breath and parked the car, you automatically reached for your bag and began getting out.

‘I want to talk about this.’ He said quietly. You stopped getting out and watched him. ‘If you’ll let me explain myself?’ You watched his face again set into something you didn’t recognise, maybe sadness or fear. You nodded and resumed leaving the comfort of Lola. It was almost completely dark and you made the trip up to your apartment, letting Agent Coulson in.

You had forgotten about leaving your guitar in the middle of the sofa and carefully watched Coulson moving it to the stand in the corner. You threw your bag down and sat with Agent Coulson, it was silent and you couldn’t bear it, so you picked up your remote and put on music that wasn’t yours.

‘You were nervous?’ Coulson asked, you turned to face him. ‘About what?’

‘I’m not sure.’ You thought out loud. ‘Everything. I didn’t know what it would feel like.’ You suddenly felt extremely embarrassed talking about this with Agent Coulson. ‘Were you nervous?’

Coulson gave a small chuckle. ‘Yeah, I was.’ He leaned on his hand on the arm of the sofa and gave you a small smile. ‘I panicked as well. It’s bad enough that I took advantage, but I’m supposed to be your SO, add that to the fact I’m twenty years older than you… it shouldn’t have happened.’ 

‘Why do you keep saying you took advantage?’

‘Because I did, you were drunk, you told me you never kissed anyone before and I…’ He couldn’t quite find the words he was looking for and you didn’t know how to help him find the right ones. ‘I still wanted to kiss you.’ You saw that same flicker you saw the night before, the one where he was holding back on something he wanted to do.

‘You want to kiss me now don’t you?’ It was bold on your part, but Coulson offered little to no reaction to it. Instead he sighed and gave a tight smile.

‘It can’t happen again. I’m sorry I put you in that position, I should never have come over in the first place.’ He looked as if he was fighting a real internal battle and you were unsure of what to do about it. He didn’t answer the question though and in your experience when people avoided answering a question, it means the answer is most likely yes.

‘I understand.’ You said and stared out of the window at the flickering lights of the city below. ‘What happens now?’

‘Well, I should probably go home.’ He said slowly. ‘We’ve got a mission coming up in a week and I need to prepare for it.’

‘Okay.’ You said looking up at him. You could see that urge sitting just behind his eyes again, the one to kiss you, but it looked much more intense this time, before you could really analyse it, it was gone. ‘I have some questions about it, can I text you?’ You asked.

‘Of course.’ He suddenly gave you that familiar smile, the one you enjoyed. You assumed it was him flirting slightly, you suddenly felt like you had slipped back into the old ways, when you were just beginning to feel comfortable. ‘Anything you want to ask before I leave?’

‘I need to look over the file again.’ 

Coulson nodded and stood up to leave. You watched him go and soon you were left alone in your apartment to get on with your work.


	8. California

The week had passed quickly and you had gotten back to training in good time, though Dr James wasn’t pleased to find you had returned early and aggravated your injuries at all. She was sympathetic though and made you rest an extra day just to be on the safe side. You had continued to play one on one basketball with Coulson when you got a chance and soon you felt like you were getting back to feeling normal. Your nightmares had increased however and you had put off taking your sleeping pills until the night before you would leave for California when Coulson had ordered you take them.

‘You need to make sure you’re well rested for tomorrow.’ Coulson said in the car ride home. ‘We’ll be doing set up for the first day, but after that we might need to take it in turns to do the night watch if anything happens.’ You nodded and yawned widely as you watched the darkened city whizz past you. ‘You okay?’ He asked, concern pasted to his face.

‘Tired.’ You mumbled. He just smiled at you and continued driving you home.

You did as you were ordered and took the sleeping pills early in the evening so that you could wake up in time to leave. It was again a dreamless sleep and you enjoyed it immensely, at least that’s what it felt like when you woke, but you had the distinct feeling that something was wrong. 

There was a small amount of pain in the back of your head and in your arm, when you opened your eyes you saw the ceiling above your coffee table, you were lying on the floor in your living room and when you turned to see your arm, you could see small fragments of glass glinting in it.

You let your breath go and felt the aching of your body set in, you had been sleep walking the night before and it had been one of the worse ones. You stood up slowly and found that your guitar was the only thing that hadn’t been touched, your sofa was at an odd angle and the coffee table was against the balcony door, like a barricade. You could feel the pain beginning to worsen in your arm and your first thought was to call Coulson.

‘Coulson.’ He answered in a strange tone.

‘It’s me, can you come over?’ You asked, feeling your voice for the first time.

‘What’s wrong?’

You paused, unsure how to explain yourself. ‘I was sleep walking last night.’

‘Two minutes.’ He said and hung up the phone. You opened the door and sat down on the sofa, feeling the ache in your body. Coulson appeared in his t shirt and joggers, looking like he had just woken up. ‘You okay?’ He said, seeing your arm. You just blinked and swallowed hard.

You heard him moving around to get a first aid kit, before he knelt down in front of you and began cleaning up your arm. ‘I don’t remember dreaming.’ You said quietly. ‘I thought it was a good night.’

‘We should see if Dr James has got anything else you can try.’ He said, carefully removing pieces of glass from your wounds. You felt the sting of him cleaning the wound with antiseptic and then putting the dressing on. ‘Are you in pain?’

You shook your head. ‘Only a little.’ You admitted.

Coulson sighed and looked at you. ‘I’ll make some coffee.’ He stood up and quietly shuffled over to the kitchen, you tried hard to remember what had happened the night before, but nothing came to you, it was just a blank.

Soon though you left and were on a plane to California for your mission. Coulson had looked very casual in his jeans, t shirt and leather jacket, almost care free. He had gone over the plan with you again, you would be picking up a SHIELD issued car and taking it to a safe house that was actually a two bedroom apartment close to the beach. After that you would set up the surveillance equipment and the waiting would begin. 

Coulson had made you sit in on a call to the Director once you’d gotten to the safe house, you had been setting up audio recording in several of the cameras that had been placed around the building in question when he asked you to come through.

‘Agent Hart.’ Fury nodded to you from the computer screen. ‘You’ve got two weeks to set up and get whatever intel you can, after that I’ll be sending in another team to pick it up. This is a level three mission, we don’t have many of those. Listen to Agent Coulson’s instructions and you won’t go wrong.’ He said. You nodded in response.

‘Anything new we should know about?’ Coulson asked. 

‘Nothing yet, but Agent Blake will send any updates relevant to the case. He’s working on a few leads just now, I want you to check them out when he sends it over tonight.’

‘Yes sir.’ Coulson said and signed off.

As soon as the screen went blank you continued setting up the audio recording.

Agent Blake sent the profiles of potential suspects over and the first few days were spent keeping tags on them. You had grown immensely close to Coulson in those precious few days and had gone back to coming out of your shell. You stuck close to him when you were wandering the streets and talked about his past field experience, he had been through a lot, made a lot of mistakes, but you were glad he’d learnt from them and saved more people in the process. During the evenings, you didn’t have much to do except eat take out, watch tv and do your reports on the day.

Coulson had insisted on playing your music on the sound system during the evenings while you sat on the balcony with a whiskey in hand.

‘I take it you’ve not made anything for a while?’ He asked, one evening when you had been laughing at how old the music was that was playing.

‘No.’ You sipped your whiskey. ‘I haven’t had much inspiration lately. Maybe when we get back something will come to me.’

‘How does it work?’ He turned to you and refilled your glass. ‘I’m not a musical person, I don’t know much about making it.’

You shrugged. ‘Mostly I just think of something and start plucking at strings or hitting keys, it depends. This next one,’ right on cue the music began softly, a pulsing bass growing stronger with every beat. ‘I made it when I was preparing to take my field combat exam the third year round. It felt like a big event and like I had to be aware of everything around me, the way it moved, the way it fit with everything else.’ The pulse began to quicken as a soft cello began to start. ‘When you feel the danger mounting, but still can’t quite see it.’ The cello held a low note. ‘Finding the danger and spending half a second working out your plan of action, the half a second lasting a life time.’ A high violin note joined in, it was a little jagged and almost out of sync, but fit into the rhythm beautifully. ‘Then the attack begins and you try to keep up or slow the danger down.’ Another set of violins began playing together and building up higher and higher until all that could be heard was the rhythmic pulsing and the low cello note. ‘And then the danger is over and you’re left with the remains, the high tension and easing adrenaline.’ A piano began playing unbearably sad keys one after the other. ‘The pain sets in and it’s over.’ The song faded into silence for a few moments. You took a sip of whiskey and realised what you had just shared with Agent Coulson.

You turned to see him staring at you with an expression you didn’t recognise, it was like a mixture of pain, pride and the heated flicker. You just watched each other for a few moments and you felt something familiar happen, that pleading he had in his eyes. You turned away abruptly, remembering that you couldn’t kiss him again and pain whipped at you. ‘I’m sorry.’ He said, he put the top back on the whiskey bottle. ‘I think we’ve had enough.’ You breathed a laugh and agreed. ‘It was a beautiful piece though.’

‘Thank you.’

‘How long did it take you to make?’ He had a forced curious look on his face and something told you it was his way of fighting his natural urge to kiss you again.

‘About a week, it was easy once I knew the rhythm. Kind of like when you’re fighting, you find the pace and either keep up or disrupt it.’ You explained carefully, trying not to look at him directly. But it didn’t last long and you gave in, it was a real pleading, a begging in his eyes and you desperately wanted to kiss him again.

‘Emma.’ He said softly, that heat pooled in the pit of your stomach again. A soft beeping went off inside the apartment and you both sighed before going to see what it was.

Coulson checked one of the laptops. ‘One of our suspects has just entered the building.’ He said, you put your glass down on one of the tables and grabbed a water bottle along with your jacket. ‘Side arm.’ Coulson said pointing to where you'd been cleaning your gun earlier that day. You picked up the pieces and quickly put it back together. Coulson just stared at you as he put his leather jacket back on and picked up the keys to the car. You followed him out of the apartment, swallowing some water as you jogged down the stairs behind him.

‘Where did you learn to reassemble so quickly?’ Coulson asked once you'd parked in an alleyway in front of the building. You were both keeping an eye on the security cameras within the labs and searched for the suspect inside the building.

‘I didn't have any friends at the academy.’ You said dryly. You felt him look at you from the corner of your eye and he started laughing. 

‘I'm sorry. It's not funny.’ He said still chuckling slightly. ‘I expect you got used to loneliness.’ 

‘Yeah.’ You said quietly, trying not to think about your time at the academy. Just as you were about to say something else, the suspect came into view on the screen in front of you. ‘He's heading towards the main lab, he's got a case with him.’ Coulson swiped the image onto the main screen on the windshield and you both watched as the suspect left a file on one of the desks in the lab. Coulson picked up his phone and rang HQ.

‘Blake, are you getting this?... We don't know, he's just made a drop… Keeping it strictly surveillance for now, but any developments we may need to take action… I'll tell him in the morning if it comes to anything.’ Coulson hung up and you assumed that meant you weren't going in tonight. You continued to watch the suspect move around the labs and make various drops on desks.

‘I don't like this.’ You were surprised at yourself breaking the long silence. ‘We should try and find out what's in those files tonight.’

‘I've been thinking the same thing for about an hour now.’ Coulson agreed. ‘I'll go in, I'll take some pictures and you can take point from the car.’

‘Are you sure you don't want me to go sir?’ You offered, thinking that you might've been a bit quicker and he would have had more experience taking point and guiding you through the labs. 

‘You know what, maybe you should go, it'll be good experience in following instructions and building trust.’ He smiled and you quickly hopped out of the car, putting a spare ear piece in. ‘Be careful Emma. Remember I can only do so much.’ You nodded and closed the door.

You jogged over the road and found a back entrance to enter the building through.

‘Can you hear me?’ Coulson said over the piece.

‘Loud and clear.’ You said, stepping inside the lobby.

‘You should be clear to head down the corridor to your right.’ You turned to see a glass corridor that looked vaguely familiar. ‘A file was dropped in the office down the end.’ You jogged down towards the office and found the door open slightly. You took out your side arm and opened the door further and sure enough the file was sitting on top of the desk. You opened it to find the SHIELD logo on the front, you took a picture and flipped through the pages and images, sending it all back to Coulson. ‘It looks like SHIELD work, but these aren't current projects, they're dated at least a decade.’ Coulson said. 

‘We should check a couple others.’ You told him.

‘Agreed. Head out and turn left again, a drop was made two floors above you.’ Coulson said. ‘The suspect is still three floors up, looks like he's on a laptop, can't quite see what he's doing though.’ You headed for the stairs and jogged up to the right floor. ‘The second lab on your left, there's a file on the tray.’ You headed in that direction and entered the lab. You found the file and when you opened it, it was entirely different. A new set of images and a new set of projects, all SHIELD. 

‘What would someone need with old SHIELD projects? Surely most of this stuff is public knowledge?’ You asked, still taking pictures.

‘Not sure. Are you done?’ He asked.

‘Yeah, just about.’

‘Agent Hart I want you to head into the lab opposite and take a position behind one of the desks.’ Coulson had a much more professional tone to him. You did as you were told and headed for the furthest desk you could see. ‘Agent Hart, the suspect knows you're in the building, he is armed and heading your way. Stay quiet and I'll get you out.’

You heard the sounds of the lift doors opening and someone stepping out. You could feel your heart rate speeding up and began to panic slightly, but you made sure your gun was loaded and ready to go.

‘Agent Hart, the suspect is leaving the lab, I want you to stay where you are. When I tell you to, I want you to get up and head straight for the stairs and leave the building.’ You didn't dare say anything, or even move and for the longest time Coulson didn't say a word. ‘Go now!’ Coulson ordered and without missing a beat you were on your feet and sprinting for the exit you came and back into the car. ‘You okay?’

‘Fine, what happened?’ You panted as Coulson started the car.

‘He was checking the floors security feeds. Must have caught sight of you heading to the lab and decided to check it out.’ Coulson said. ‘I've sent facial recognition over to HQ, they'll try and identify the suspect properly and give us the results in the morning.’ 

Coulson drove you back to the safe house in silence while you got your breath back. 

‘You okay?’ He asked as you were leaving down the road, you mumbled something about being tired from sprinting, but really you were fine. For whatever reason your thoughts on the mission drifted from professional conversations with Coulson, to much more personal ones. You had never quite felt about anyone the way you felt about Agent Coulson and you weren't really sure what those feelings were, he made you feel comfortable just by sitting next to you and he made talking easy, he was the strongest positive force you had and it seemed important somehow.

‘Why did you kiss me?’ You asked once you were back inside the apartment. Coulson had sat down with his laptop and had begun typing his report, he had looked entirely focussed until you spoke. His face was blank for a moment.

‘It can't happen again.’

‘That wasn't the question.’ You shot back. You weren't going to back down on this one. For a while he didn't say anything. ‘I told you the most personal thing about me that night and I told you about my music, you owe me something.’

Coulson discussed something internal with himself and nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess I do.’ He came to stand in front of you. ‘The honest truth is that I wanted to kiss you for a long time, I think you have extraordinary potential to be a great agent and I felt that I could help improve your social skills. I thought at first you were just shy, but soon it was obvious that you didn't let anyone be close to you for a reason, it reminded me a lot of myself when I was starting out. I didn't have anything to keep me fighting back then and that was the real reason I lost so many lives… And I found myself becoming more and more attracted to you. I thought you felt the same and took a chance when I came over that night, I didn't realise that it would be your first time at that point.’

‘I told you it was and you still did it anyway.’

‘Yeah,’ he chuckled slightly. ‘I won't deny I was even more attracted to you than I had been previously. I'm sorry for that Emma.’ You felt the heat pool in your stomach again and your expression must have changed because Coulson took half a step forward and was about to give in to his temptations before he stopped himself.

‘Don't.’ You said, pleading with him to kiss you again, just once more so you could remember it properly. 

Coulson looked like he had just lost his internal battle; the kiss was different the second time around. His hands came up, both raking through your hair as you let him press his lips harsh against your own, he breathed you in, before slowing down, letting one hand drop to your hip and pull you closer to him. His tongue darted out and swiped across your bottom lip, it made you involuntarily moan and open your mouth slightly wider, his tongue began exploring every part of you it could reach and soon you found a rhythm to work with and copied the movements, not finding it difficult at all to want to taste him. Coulson moaned as you drifted your tongue over his lips and you did it again, feeling him smile and his hands grasp your waist a little harshly. He immediately stopped, a little out of breath and pulled away.

‘I’m sorry Emma, we really can’t go any further.’ He said, but you didn’t believe him in the slightest. He definitely wanted to go further and he definitely wasn’t going to put up any resistance if you asked him to continue, but something told you that this was not the time. Coulson didn’t move away from you just yet and for a while you just stood with each other, waiting for the next move to be made. 

It was Coulson’s phone that interrupted the incredibly private moment you were sharing and suddenly that moment faded away into discomfort. You watched the disappointment glide over his face for just a second before Coulson let you go and answered the phone. 

‘Coulson.’ He said sternly. ‘Yeah, we’re back… how long until the results come in?’ You suddenly didn’t want to be in the same room as Coulson anymore and went back out onto the balcony. You sat for a while and concentrated on getting your breath back, but your mind kept returning to the way Coulson had made you feel only a few minutes ago. You heard him finish on the phone and stand against the door frame behind you. He didn’t say anything for a minute. ‘Blake has a lead for us. We’ll check it out in the morning.’ You nodded and continued to stare out at the darkness. You thought Coulson would walk away, but instead he sat next to you. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine.’ You said a little too quickly. You didn’t dare look at him, you felt the rigidity take over and found comfort in the discomfort and familiar tension. Coulson noticed, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. His behaviour wasn’t logical, there was no pattern that made sense; he said he wanted to help you, but any progress made towards making you feel good and comfortable around him seemed to result in him saying it couldn’t happen again. 

‘We need to focus on the mission.’ Coulson sighed. ‘You’re not fine… so, let’s talk.’ You let out a deep breath and thought for a moment. No words came to you. ‘Okay, let me tell you how I feel and go from there.’ That got your attention somewhat. ‘I can’t help being attracted to you, but maybe over time it will fade and I honestly think that is the best thing for the both of us right now. Relationships are hard and it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to start something with someone so much younger and especially someone I'm supposed to be an SO to, we would only distract each other and that could lead to mistakes.’

‘I’m distracted now.’ You said so quietly, you were positive he didn’t hear you. You barely heard yourself, but the look he gave you said he heard, loud and clear. ‘I keep wondering…’ You were verging on a subject that you weren’t comfortable even thinking about, you certainly didn’t want to talk about it with Coulson. 

‘I’m not trying to upset you.’

‘I’m not upset.’ You retorted. ‘I’m confused.’ You paused and felt the tension begin to tighten around your muscles and a familiar ache began to set in your leg. You were technically still recovering from your wound, it was just a scar now, but the muscle still ached and you refused physiotherapy because you didn’t want anyone to touch you. You reached down and tried to ease the tension, but the cramp was coming back.

Coulson frowned at you. ‘Do you need some help?’ He sighed.

You were about to refuse, when cramp set in. ‘Please.’ You whimpered. Coulson was immediately on his knee in front of you and carefully massaged the wounded area, it felt good and eased the cramp. You noted how warm his hands were and how he didn’t seem to care that he was touching you, he just wanted to help. 

‘How’s that?’ Coulson asked. You looked straight at him and a heat began to pool in the pit of your stomach again.

‘Better.’ You mumbled. You began relaxing into his movements and the tension eased up. you noticed that even when the cramp had gone, Coulson still continued to massage with slightly slower, more concentrated movements. You let him continue as it seemed to help him think.

‘Why are you confused?’ He asked. He continued to think and to ease the non-existent tension in your calf. ‘I’m struggling to understand why you’re confused, I answered your questions and told you why I kissed you in the first place-’

‘And then you told me it was wrong.’ You interrupted. Coulson’s hands stilled and you sorely missed the pressure he was applying. ‘I felt comfortable and confident and you told me it was wrong.’ You hated the look he was giving you, it was unbearable and it didn’t look like he had an explanation for you. ‘I’m going to bed.’ You said standing up and leaving Coulson on the balcony alone. It took you the longest time to get to sleep and you could have sworn you heard Coulson on the phone getting frustrated, before you finally fell asleep.


	9. California Part 2

There was a loud banging that jolted you awake. There was something hard pressing against your head and a sharp ringing that had your head spinning. You took a few moments to try and focus on what was going on, but the banging was intolerable. It was as if someone was striking your eardrums and forcing the blood to rush towards them. The ringing didn’t stop, but your vision had cleared up a little and the dizziness wasn’t nearly as bad, but it was that banging, that raging, pulsing noise that bothered you most. You tried to work out what it was and realised that someone was shouting, it made you focus all the more and you realised that Coulson could have been in trouble.

You pulled your hands underneath your shoulders and pushed your heavy body up, you could see small drops of red on your hand and realised your nose was bleeding again. When you looked down it was a small puddle, that was probably the reason for the dizziness. You sat back on your knees and tried to catch your breath, but the banging was still happening, it was coming from the door and you realised that someone was at your door, it was only just daylight and couldn’t have been Coulson coming to wake you up just yet.

You crawled over to where your side arm sat and struggled to load it, what was worse was that you barely got to your feet before staggering over to the door and opening it, holding out your gun to where Coulson stood. He looked as if he was about to take it from you, when you lowered it in relief.

‘Jesus!’ He said and caught you as you fell back against the bed. ‘Are you okay?’ He said, trying to get you into an upright position so that you wouldn't choke on the blood. ‘I heard you fall.’ Coulson quickly rushed off to get you a small towel and some ice. You could feel the dizziness making you tired again, but you thought maybe it was just the amount of blood you’d lost in such a short space of time. 

Coulson cleaned up most of the blood and looked at you. ‘Doesn’t look broken, but it’ll be sore for a while.’ He confirmed, but honestly you just wanted the ringing to stop. Coulson eventually finished cleaning up the blood and gave you something for the pain. You sat on the floor at the end of the bed for a while and tried to focus on anything that wasn’t the ringing. ‘Are you alright?’ Coulson asked again as he handed you a glass of water to sip. He settled next to you and made sure you didn’t pass out or anything. 

‘I’m fine.’ You croaked. You heard him sigh and glanced at Coulson through squinted eyes.

‘You nearly broke your nose sleep walking. You’re not fine.’ Your vision was still a little blurred, but you were pretty sure he had an actual expression of concern on his face. ‘This is not healthy… I’ve been thinking about what you said last night, I called Dr James for her advice as well and I’ve decided you’re right, I can’t kiss you and then tell you it’s not okay. So, now I’m telling you the truth, what you felt and what I felt was not wrong, not in the slightest; to feel comfortable with somebody so much so that you’d let them do things like touch or kiss you, even when you hate it so much, is an incredible display of courage and bravery. Absolutely nothing about that is wrong, it’s how you should feel. The reason I kept saying we couldn’t go any further was because it’s against SHIELD protocol to get involved with anyone you work with. Not that everyone hasn’t broken that protocol a dozen times.’ He gave you a half smile.

You adjusted the towel and moved the ice to another part of your nose.

‘Is there anything you want to say?’ Coulson sighed and watched you.

‘What did you feel when you kissed me?’ You asked. You weren’t really sure why you asked that particular question, but if it matched up with how you felt then maybe it was normal to feel this way towards someone. Coulson frowned slightly, before realising the reasoning behind your question.

He looked up at the ceiling and thought for a moment. ‘I felt nervous and… comfortable.’ He gave a small smirk and you rolled your eyes slightly. ‘I felt warm under my skin and I didn’t want to stop… is that how you felt?’ You nodded and felt the tension come back. ‘Don’t be ashamed of that, it’s perfectly normal to feel attracted to someone.’

You sipped the water again and felt your face flush red. He might not think it was such a big deal, but you had learned long ago that becoming close to anyone was dangerous, it meant you were open to getting seriously hurt and you’d had enough of getting hurt by people close to you. ‘Can we get through today?’ You voice was still scratchy and rough. ‘My head hurts just now.’ He could see you weren’t lying and gave you a little space to get ready for the day ahead.

Your head had cleared and your nose had settled to a dull ache, the bleeding had stopped and the ringing was just about gone. You felt a little fresher and ready to chase up the lead Blake had given you the night before. 

It was an almost silent ride over to the location you had been given and you enjoyed it, it was comfortable and it gave you time to think about the events that had occurred over the previous few weeks. You stopped outside an apartment building and Coulson explained what Blake had said the night before. ‘He usually leaves around eight in the morning to get to work, we’ll follow him and see if he takes any detours to meet anyone.’ 

You wanted him to meet with someone, that would mean you had either an employer or a lead to an employer, either way it meant you might have been able to go home sooner. ‘I’m not ashamed of the way I feel.’ You said abruptly. Coulson’s attention was firmly on you even though his eyes were still focussed on the apartment building. ‘I just don’t like feeling this way.’

‘Because of your mother?’ Coulson was treading on thin ice when he mentioned your mother and he knew it. You nodded. ‘I’m not her, neither is Dr James and neither is anyone else within SHIELD. I don’t want to hurt you; I don’t want to make you feel bad. In fact, it’s quite the opposite; I want to make you feel good and I want you to feel like your feelings are worth as much as anyone else’s.’ You turned to see absolute sincerity in his eyes.

‘Why?’

He shrugged. ‘It’s just what you want when you’re attracted to somebody. There’s no explanation for it really, unless you asked Dr James. I’m sure she has a theory or two.’ Coulson managed to pull a small smile from the corner of your mouth, it hurt to do anything more. You went back to watching the building and sure enough, the suspect made an appearance. You quickly checked your watch. ‘I was thinking the same thing.’ Coulson said. ‘Quarter to eight. Fifteen minutes is enough time to take a detour and meet with someone on your way to work.’

Coulson started the car and you followed the suspect, who sure enough, took a detour and met with the same man who had been making the drops in the labs. It was brief and difficult to work out what was being said, but Coulson made a few notes, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the two suspects. They eventually finished and the main suspect got back in his car, you followed him all the way to work, just to be sure he wasn’t going to take another detour and returned to the apartment.

You wrote your report and listened in on a meeting with Agent Blake, who had asked for you both to follow him for the next few days, something that meant you’d be spending a lot of time in a car with Agent Coulson, with nothing to do but talk and listen to music.

‘So, when did you realise you could be a good composer?’ Coulson asked, it was the dead of night and you were both exhausted from the last couple of days following the suspect. It was one of the only times Coulson had chosen to speak, apart from asking if you were hungry or wanted to take a nap. 

‘I’m sorry?’ You asked, making sure you heard him right.

Coulson just smiled at you. ‘When did you realise you were a good composer?’ He asked again and you thought on it for a moment. You didn’t think you were that good, you just listened for what sounded right when put with something else, or you just used your instinct to make something you understood and could always go back to.

‘I’m not sure.’ You said and left the conversation there.

‘What were you just thinking there?’ Coulson asked and you looked at him with a small frown. ‘You took a long time to come up with three words, I was just wondering what you were thinking that led to them.’ He explained. 

‘I…’ You went to explain what was going through your head, but something stopped you. ‘I don't know, I don’t remember exactly.’

Coulson nodded thoughtfully. ‘You don’t want to talk about it.’ He concluded and you nodded, going back to watching the apartment building where the suspect was probably sleeping, something you sorely wanted to be doing as well. The sun had begun to come up and Coulson got a call from Agent Blake to let you know that the team that would be taking over would arrive the next day and that nothing more could be done from where you were. So that was that, you went back to the apartment and got some sleep.

You found yourself unable to fall asleep properly and kept waking up, before eventually you gave up, heading towards the balcony and making a start on your handover report to leave for the next team. You let your music play until it came to a track that you hadn’t heard in years. An unbearably precise heart monitor beeping began and your heart felt like it stopped. A violin came into play, it drifted over the heart monitor and you felt the raging agony almost cripple you. It played for the longest time, a smooth pain that settled around you, soon a low cello could be heard in the background, that was when the robotic voice of a child could be heard. “Do you still remember when we were little? We were playing in the park and you asked me what happens when you die, I said, you forget everything. Everything. Even you? Yes, yes even me. You did not want to die. Never forget. In the remains of what we used to have, were taken away with the softest squeeze. How did I forget? How?”

You could feel yourself lying on the floor of your old living room, staring up at the mould stained ceiling, unable to do anything except feel the burning sensation rushing through your body. The world began closing in around you as you watched the money being handed over to the greasy individual above you.

The song continued to play and soft piano keys played the song to a close until all that could be heard was the heart monitor beeping again. You felt your chest was sore with the agony of remembering that night so vividly. You stood up and headed inside, angry that you still had the piece on your phone and turned it off. You turned to see Coulson watching you from the balcony door, you hadn’t noticed him standing there when you walked past him, he was watching you carefully.

You let your breath go and the tension eased slightly.

‘You okay?’ He asked very quietly, it was almost a whisper.

‘Fine.’ You said through gritted teeth and went back outside to finish your report.

You were aware of Coulson sitting down next to you and sighing heavily. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ He asked and you stopped everything, just looking at him; no one had ever offered to help you quite like that before. No one ever took that kind of time to get to know you. You just stared at him and wondered what exactly it was you needed. ‘I can’t do that.’ He said and you frowned. ‘I can’t make you feel good like that.’ He clarified and you turned away, unaware that was what you were signalling to him.

‘I just need to finish this.’ You said and tried to go back to your typing, but nothing happened, you couldn’t concentrate with Coulson staring at you like that.

‘Emma.’ He said softly and you immediately stood up taking your laptop with you. You really couldn’t deal with both the memory of what your mother did to you and Coulson’s feelings for you, not at the same time anyway. ‘Emma.’ He called as you got to your bedroom door. You turned and faced him, he was definitely fighting a very personal battle and you began to grow tired of watching him. You were about to turn back and head into your room before you heard him speak again. ‘Screw it.’ He said and before you knew what was happening, he took your laptop, putting it on the table and turned back to you. 

Coulson raked his fingers through your hair and pressed his lips to yours, you felt a wave of tension wash over you, before you relaxed into his touch. His mouth working with yours, making you both moan out. His tongue swiped over your bottom lip and you involuntarily opened your mouth a little wider, letting him explore inside. One of his hands dropped to your waist and you found him pushing you back against the wall, you felt a moment of tension flare up, but soon realised that none of what he was doing was hurting you, he was trying to make you feel good and comfortable. Maybe you could put a little more of your trust in him.

You wanted to taste him as well, you wanted to map out his mouth the way he had done yours, but before you could do anything, you felt him dragging his teeth gently over your bottom lip. You let out a particularly deep moan, feeling all warmth shoot straight to your stomach. You stopped the kiss and Coulson made no effort to push you any further, though he didn’t move away, instead he just stayed still against you, his hands still in your hair and around your waist. 

For a while you both just breathed each other in, before Coulson made a move to step away. You found yourself, reaching up to his waist to stop him and Coulson just looked at you, you felt the warmth spread over your cheeks, letting your hand fall. 

‘Are you okay?’ He asked softly.

‘Yes.’ You breathed and it made him smile. His hand made its way down to your cheek and his thumb brushed over the skin, it was obvious that before he kissed you, you had been crying without realising it. Coulson wiped away anything that remained and smiled again. He pressed a much gentler kiss to you and your hand came back up to his lean waist, you could feel him flinch at the contact and you wondered if he was uncomfortable as well, but Coulson made no move to let you go. 

You looked up at him and watched something happen behind his eyes, something you weren’t sure of.

‘What is that?’ You asked and Coulson gave a half laugh.

‘I assume you’re referring to the way I’m looking at you right now.’ Coulson said and you nodded. ‘Well, if I tell you, will you promise to tell me how you feel about it? If it makes you uncomfortable or upset?’ You frowned, but Coulson wouldn’t continue speaking until you nodded. ‘I was thinking about something I said to you a few days ago, about wanting to make you feel good. I still want that… I want to show you what it's like to make love … But I’m not forcing anything.’ Coulson reminded you. 

You didn’t know what to say, this was well out of your comfort zone, you had no idea what to say to him.

‘Tell me how you feel.’ Coulson’s voice was low and his concern was high.

‘Uncomfortable.’ You said and you watched a pained frown form on Coulson’s face. ‘I don’t know what to say. I… Like the way you make me feel, but it’s… Not something I’m used to. So it makes me uncomfortable.’ You tried your hardest explain what you were thinking and luckily Coulson understood, he took half a step back to give you a little more room to breath, but you missed the contact he had been giving you previously. ‘That song, it was the first one I composed on my own. I wasn’t good at talking, but I was good at playing music, so instead of talking to a shrink that’s what I did. I made the piece thinking about what she did to me and that’s what came out of it… You might not understand it or feel the same way I do when I hear it, but that song came out of the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I feel hatred when I hear it… I feel like that most of the time, but when you’re talking to me, when you’re making an effort to get to know me or help me… I feel like someone cares about me, not because they have to, or because it’s their job, but just because they do and it makes me feel different. I don’t remember a time when I felt like this, like…’ You tried so hard to search for the word, but nothing came, you finally settled on one that could have been right. ‘Hopeful… Does that make sense?’

You looked at Coulson who had a strange mixture of pain, sadness and something slightly darker that you didn’t recognise. ‘I care about you.’ He said, though it was more of a croak than anything. ‘A lot and I can’t imagine what you’ve had to go through. I’m starting to understand your hate and why you prefer to be alone, but I’m sorry, I don’t feel like I can let you be alone anymore. I feel like I need to make you see that feeling hopeful is so much better than being lonely.’ The darker look made another appearance and Coulson took a breath. ‘I want to make you happy, I can’t explain it, I just want it… I want you.’

You gave a frown not quite knowing what that meant, but when it hit you, your entire face went red, that was well beyond your comfort zone.

‘We don't… Please understand that I won’t make you do anything you really don’t want to do, but I think if you say yes you’ll find out that it’s worth the risk.’ Coulson took half a step forward again and his hands came back up to hold your face. He gave you that darkened look and suddenly you felt like you had to kiss him, like if you didn’t something terrible would happen.

You leaned up and Coulson let you kiss him gently, you went to deepen the kiss when you both heard Coulson's phone ringing in his pocket. He sighed and checked it.

‘Fury.’ He said and placed a small kiss on you lips before answering. ‘I have to answer this.’ He apologised. ‘Yes sir.’ He said, composing himself and answering the phone. You just watched for a moment, entirely unsure of what you were supposed to do, so you simply slid down the wall and sat waiting for him to finish. ‘I understand, but is there no-‘ He was interrupted and you began taking note of how you felt. It was like you had been on a high and you were coming down from it. You ran your hands through your hair, feeling exhaustion set in. ‘Yes sir, we’ll be on the plane tonight.’ You heard Coulson say, you guessed you were leaving California early then.

Coulson knelt down in front of you and still with your hand in your hair, you looked at his kind eyes watching you.

‘We’re leaving tonight.’ He said softly. ‘The team will be here in an hour. In the meantime, do you want to talk some more?’

You shrugged. ‘I don’t know what to say.’ You said and watched Coulson try to assess you. ‘Do you want to say anything?’

Coulson sighed and looked down for a moment. ‘Yeah, there’s a lot I want to say, but not right now. We don’t have enough time to talk about us properly and I don’t want to get in too far, knowing we’ll be interrupted.’

You nodded and stood up. Coulson followed. ‘Okay, I have to finish my report.’ You said and Coulson just looked down again and nodded.

‘Okay, I’ll be in here if you need anything.’ He said and you wandered into your bedroom, grabbing your laptop as you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/XHjKQcjL0sk
> 
> This is the song. It's not mine, it was written by Olafur Arnalds and all credit goes to him.


	10. Potential Means Only So Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this was just a short fic I wrote a few months ago and I decided to post it as I left it. If you guys have enjoyed it at all and want me to continue, I, of course, will do my best, but I have two other fics still going at this time so it might take a while. Enjoy!

You spent the flight home sleeping mostly, it wasn't a solid sleep, not by a long shot, but it was enough to get you back to HQ in the early hours of the morning, without feeling exhausted. Coulson on the other hand was on the verge of collapsing he was so tired, you watched him talk with another agent who led him away to deal with some form of emergency. You were checked out by Dr James who seemed tired as well, she asked you about what had happened in California but you didn't feel much like talking so you just stayed quiet.

You got on with a little work in your cubicle and found that you had been sent two more assignments for the following week, both were extraction and you were a little excited for them both. You spent the rest of the day looking over the files and listening to your music. In truth your concentration was a little off, you had been thinking about the conversation you would eventually be having with Coulson and what you wanted to say.

It had gotten late and you decided to venture up to Coulson's office to find out if he could drive you home. But when you got there it was to find him asleep on one of his sofas with files surrounding him. You smiled a little and took a little pity on him, you removed his glasses and put them on the coffee table along with any files that were still on top of him, making sure to close them and not be tempted to read any of it. 

You couldn't work out whether you should have woken him up or left him alone, but you desperately wanted to say the things you had been thinking about that day. You weren't quite sure what people did in these situations so you turned the lights off, loosely put a blanket over him and left his office to walk home.

The next morning you woke up on your bathroom floor, unsure of how you got there. You did your normal checks and nothing seemed to be wrong, your neck was stiff from the position you'd fallen asleep in, but that was it. The rest of your apartment seemed relatively untouched, the sofa was a little squint and one of the chairs from the kitchen had found its way towards the front door, but nothing was broken. 

You had showered, dressed and gotten everything you needed for the day ahead when your phone rang.

‘Hart.’ You answered without looking at the caller ID.

‘Emma.’ It was Coulson. ‘Are you on your way in?’

‘I was just about to leave.’

‘Don't bother, I'll be home in five minutes. I'll drive you in and we can talk about one of your assignments, there's been some adjustments you need to know about.’ You wanted to reply, but it was as if your heart had stopped, like all the air had been sucked out of your lungs. ‘Emma?’ You heard someone say. You swallowed and felt how painfully dry your throat was, each step you took towards your spare room felt weighted and it suffocated you that much more. ‘Agent Hart, are you still there?’ You put the phone down on the side table between your bedroom and spare room and looked down at the unlocked door.

Your heart was in your throat and still clogging your airways, you carefully pushed the door open just a crack and your knees gave in. ‘No.’ You croaked. Of course you wouldn't have gotten off that easy, there was no such thing as a quiet sleep walking night. All three of your saxophones had been bent in various places and one had been used to smash against the piano, breaking one of the legs and forcing it to collapse on one side. Keyboards and violins had been thrown at the wall of guitars which in turn had fallen off the stands and destroyed the drums. One of your electric guilts had been forced through both of your cellos and anything else left in the room was piled up In the corner in pieces. Nothing could be salvaged.

You stayed curled up next to the door until Coulson came bursting through your front door. He was definitely asking if you were okay, but you couldn't hear him over the sound of the silence that came from your sanctuary of broken instruments. You could hear that same song playing in your head, the one you hated, the one that made you hate and you felt it take over every part of your being until you had grown stiff and rigid and comfortable.

‘Emma.’ It was like being snapped out of a trance, Coulson hadn't left, he stayed with you well into the evening and looked exhausted. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I'm fine.’ You found yourself saying. Something very significant happened in his expression and you couldn't work it out.

‘Emma, please don't.’ He begged.

You frowned, but didn't say anything. What was he talking about?

‘Let's talk about this, let's talk about how you're feeling right now, let's just talk.’ He was still begging, but you still didn't know what to say. ‘Emma, please talk to me.’

He wanted you to talk, the one thing you weren't good at and the one thing you really didn't want to do just now. It seemed to be a common trend with him, always wanting you to talk, well maybe you were tired of talking, maybe you didn't want to talk anymore.

‘I'm sorry.’ You shook your head. ‘I don't think I was meant to be like you. I don't want to talk anymore.’ 

You could see in his eyes, disappointment. You'd only seen that look once before and you promised you'd never see it again, but this was different. You stood up, feeling your body ache from the length of time you'd spent on the floor and you loved it. The rigidity was comfortable, it was home.

You wandered into your bedroom and locked the door, lying back on the bed and listening to Coulson leaving your apartment for the last time.


End file.
